hello my name is mary. . .

we went to some friends’ house for lunch today after church. they’re a really rad family. 5 kids. funny and loud kids. so we know the parents really well, but the kids don’t really know us all that much. granted, upon entrance i think they knew our names. the oldest girl knew my name, and made me a birthday card. it was sweet. the oldest boy then decided to write me a note. i must provide a previous conversation for this to be in context:

me: hey Anthony, what’s his name (pointing to my brother)?

Anthony: um….Jonathan?

me: no. it’s bob.

Anthony: (looking at Jonathan, who is mouthing his own name) no….i think it’s Jonathan.

me: Anthony, he’s my brother, i’ve known him for twenty years! don’t you think i know what his name is? it’s bob!

Anthony: yeah, you should know, but it’s Jonathan.

. . .time passes. . .

Anthony: (now writing a note) what’s your name?

me: Kara.

Jonathan: it’s Mary.

Anthony: Mary? or kara?

me: kara.

jonathan: it’s Mary.

Anthony: dad, what’s her name?

Jason (dad to Anthony): it’s Kara. (receives cues from Jonathan) it’s Mary.

. . .time passes. . .we’re eating cake. . .

Jonathan: (whispers) he wrote a birthday note to Mary. (chuckles) he actually came over and asked me “how old is Mary?”

me: that’s the coolest thing i’ve heard all day!

. . .time passes. . .i receive anthony’s note. . .it reads. . .

Daer kmary

I hope you have a exaitine birthday

love-4-eva

Anthony

it was amazing. it absolutely made my day. hehe. kids are fun. well that’s my anecdote for the day! i’m off to clean my room (oh bother)!

the future is unfolding fast

Hello friends! Some of you have received letters in the past month or two explaining the next 5 months of my life. Some of you have not. For those of you who have seen the letter, please disregard this post as it should be a close facsimile to the forementioned document. For those of you who have not seen the letter, it is reproduced below in a casual format. Happy reading!

Ok. so there's this organization called Youth With a Mission, which is commonly abbreviated as YWAM (WIE-wam). This organization has as its sole purpose in the world "to know God and to make Him known." YWAM runs what they call Discipleship Training Schools (DTS): 5-6 month schools focusing on intense discipleship and radical serving. friends, i am undertaking one such school.
January 7th, 2007, i am leaving for YWAM in Chico, California. i will be on base in classes for 3 months in Chico, and then my entire DTS will go on outreach to a country overseas (as soon as i hear locations i'll post). i am going because i feel God wants me there. there are other reasons behind it, and a really really long story, but you all are incredibly patient with my posting to begin with so i won't bore you. if you want to hear all of it, let me know.
um.....so i guess to finish it out, i'll be back May 27th, 2007 (Lord willing). i hope to have a better knowledge of who God is upon my return, along with a clear understanding of how to respond to that knowledge.
i intend to continue posting while i am away, my trip is actually one of the reasons that i have created this site. i don't quite know what that will look like yet, but please bookmark this site and check back frequently for updates.
if you have any questions, please feel free to email me, call me, walk up to me, or send me telegrams. whatever your preferred form of communication, i'm in. smoke signals, telepathy, snail mail, anything. i just hope i know how to respond. . . .

i leave you for now wishing peace and revelation on your hearts and minds.

in Christ,

kara

"then the man said to me, ‘son of man, see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and give attention to all that I am going to show you; for you have been brought here in order to show it to you.’” Ezekiel 40.4

12/08/06

Hear ye, hear ye.

i. am. donewitschool. yay!

by the absolute Grace of God, i pulled off my hardest quarter with the best grades. i don’t quite know how it happened, but i’m not complaining.

so now, things seem to be rushing towards a big finish, in the words of my latin prof. big finish, Kara! ah. i was driving home from work tonight and (this happens often) realized how quickly time is moving and that i will be going alone to a new place for 5 months. CRAZY! then i scream and let out a little unknowing-frustration-feeling and try to forget about it. it’s scary. scary i tell you!

but apparently i am ‘’aces’’. i helped this customer find some things today, it just happened that he wanted items that i knew the location of. he was quite impressed with my knowledge of the store. like the back of my hand! anyways, he told Jon that ‘’that girl on the end is aces, aces.’’ and i guess he did this ‘’ok’’ sign with his hands to indicate just how ‘’aces’’ i was. it made me happy.

micah and Marjorie should be back in Denver by now. poor kids, they’ve been traveling all day. i mean all day. they left at 7am Bosnia time, which is 1am our time, and 11 pm the day before in Denver. i’m pretty sure the whole time change thing screwed them out of like 4 days or something, but i still can’t figure out how it all works. : )

here’s something funny. this week should have been another horrible one. granted, last week was stressful in the breaking of the news, but this week was dealing with it all in repercussions. nevertheless, this week was great. just great. again, i’m not complaining. i’ve decided that i want to see God. i mean, i’ve wanted to for a long time, and kind of figured that would have to be done through the Word, but i’ve decided to actually do it. i’m pretty excited. hopefully soon i’ll write something of importance, for now know that i am alive and well and happy! and leaving…..(yikies!)

peace. to you and me! let it snow!

Hosea 6.1-3

"Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will badage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth." Hosea 6.1-3

glory

here are my thoughts from the weekend. well, on one subject at least. : )

i should do NOTHING to bring glory, fame, or honor to myself. if i do something, i should do it for the glory of Christ. in Christ's name i hand out bulletins, hoping that by having part in a sunday service at NewLife it will facilitate someone's heart opening up to the truth of Christ and someday truly glorifying Christ with their love and affections. Christianity isn't A way, it is THE ONLY WAY. and i cannot glorify Christ without offering Him as He truly is. Alone.
maybe it's not that the way of Christ is better or more appealing to a non-Christian, in honesty it’s a hard road to walk, but that it alone is the imperatively important way. it is absolutely detrimental to a human to not know God. at this point i have no way of ever convincing anyone that the life is “better” than all other alternatives because the way they understand “better” is to compare pros and cons of the day to day lifestyle. this isn’t coming out right. i’ll try again. i keep trying to make Christianity appealing to people so that they will leave their empty lives to be filled by Christ. but i don’t know that i properly tell them what they are getting into. i’m not quite sure what they would be getting into, in honesty.
i want to submit that the Christian church at large is not offering Christ as He really is. and maybe that’s because the Christian church at large doesn’t know who Christ really is. let’s open up some doors of honesty and examine things in this light.

people seem to have absolutely no concept of God. or His Glory. His majesty. His beauty. His grace. His power. His wrath. who knows God?

one who knows God glorifies Him. you cannot know God and not be changed. so instead of even having a concept of an all important God who demands a response, people have a view of an all-important self who demands a response. we are our own gods. and until we ditch the view of life revolving around our glory, our satisfaction, our fame, our happiness, etc....and SHIFT it into alignment with the way of Christ's glory, Christ's fame, Christ's satisfaction....we will not be able to truly bring Glory to God.
people who think their good deeds will get them into heaven: they're wrong. we knew that. here's a thought on why: they do it for their own glory. not for the Glory of Christ. "if you offer someone a drink, do it in My name." why? because we must never let our Glory become the center of our attentions. if i hand you a drink in my name, you'll praise me for going to the cupboard, getting a cup, putting a drink in it, and handing it to you. you'll only think of MY involvement in your need being met. but here: if i give all the glory to Christ by doing it IN HIS NAME.....not just saying"in Jesus' name" but LIVING IN AND FOR HIS NAME, then you will not see my efforts but you will see Christ as the immediate and direct source of your need being met. and with one view of Him you may start to see Him in other bigger and better ways, and you may be captured like i am being captured by the all-importance of this fact:
GOD IS BIG. and He deserves absolutely everything. and He shall have it. His ways are high. His actions are just, and right. He exposes sin in the lives of His people so that they have the opportunity to repent and properly give Glory to His name.
we must repent. oh, come. let us return to the Lord. let us grieve with sincerity the depravity of our condition and let us recognize that only Christ by the Grace of God will ever save us. let us live humbly within the saving knowledge of Grace and let us seek to Glorify God by every word and every deed and every action.
this is yet another facet of death. because we indeed must die to pride, to self-motivation, to ambition. to recognition, position, and fame. we must die to everything we have ever known, and truly be AWAKENED to His Glory.

one down, 3 to go

last week was horrible., i’m not going to lie. Sunday was fine, monday and tuesday were AMAZING, wednesday was OK till about 1pm, then everything went downhill from there. and it went downhill till about saturday around 5.

that’s when it broke. i finally cried, and found peace to pray, and things got better. finishing with last night, the start of a new week, a NewLife, and a bit of a new perspective.

so today dawns finals week, of the final quarter for the year. pinned more to laziness than to concern for what’s going on, i studied perhaps a total of 40 minutes for my French final. that was this morning. i don’t even care. apathy knocks, and i welcome it in. still, one down and 3 to go. i’m pretty well pumped up.

one thing i am kind of wondering about is leaving: selfish pride says NewLife needs me, selfish fear says i need NewLife, God says “come to me”. i don’t understand why He’s sending me away at “such a time as this”. all that i know is that at this point God wants me in Chico in January, and not in Canal.

i’m not going to lie, i want to be here loving and being loved by my church family. i want to be a part of the restorative processes that are going to go on. i want to be a part of the new vision dawning and i want to see what God is going to reveal to NewLife. because it’s going to be amazing. hopeful, i wait to see how God’s light dawns on some of my very favorite people in the world. and also how it dawns on me, though i be far off.

when all else fails

do you ever just not want to be alone? tonight’s one of those nights. like, i’m not alone, my padres right there across the room watching TV with me, and i’m home, and i’ve seen people all day, and haven’t been really alone: but i’ve kind of felt alone all day.

i think with people around it’s easier not to be submersed in thinking about all of life’s crappiness. even when you’re with other people who know what the crap’s like it’s still better than being alone. you don’t even have to talk about it, just be together and know what the other people are going through.

maybe it’s a community thing, that i don’t want to have to walk through this alone, and i know everyone else feels the same way.

maybe it’s a fear thing, that if i’m left alone i’ll either go crazy or fall into the same traps over and over again.

maybe it’s God.

maybe it’s wrong.

i guess i don’t really care!

i’m such a dichotomy. i don’t feel like talking or explaining my feelings any more, but i want to be around people who know what i’m feeling.

when all is said and done, if i’m left alone for long i think i’m going to lose it. i need to be doing something, helping some way, and i need to cry.

when all else fails, i need Christ.

When a Leader Falls

Congregational Email – December 2006

by Rich Nathan

When A Leader Falls

Recent news reports have communicated yet another story of a prominent Christian leader who has fallen into sin. The story of Pastor Ted Haggard and his confession of immorality has been broadcast around the world. How should Christians respond to the news of a Christian leader’s fall?

1. We ought to grieve. In the Old Testament when Saul was rejected as King because of his repeated acts of disobedience, we read in 1 Samuel 15.35:

Until the day Samuel died, he did not go to see Saul again, though Samuel mourned for him.

In fact, the prophet Samuel grieved so long over the fall of King Saul that the Lord had to correct him for mourning so much. We read in 1 Samuel 16.1:

The LORD said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel?” 1 Samuel 16:1

When the Corinthians had a situation of immorality in their midst, the apostle Paul exhorted them saying,

And you are proud! Shouldn’t you rather have gone into mourning and have put out of your fellowship the man who has been doing this? 1 Corinthians 5:2

It is appropriate for us to grieve whenever a person destroys themselves. It is all the more so appropriate to grieve when a well-regarded ministry is destroyed. We grieve not only for the leader, but we grieve for the leader’s family and the price the family has to pay for the leader’s sin. We grieve for the pain caused to the leader’s church. And we especially grieve that the name of the Lord is dragged through the mud by the enemies of God. Grief, not joy or self-righteous superiority, is also the emotion we ought to have when we are forced to discipline someone who is involved in unrepentant sin. The apostle Paul modeled the correct emotion every Christian ought to have whenever we have to correct A Christian brother or sister in 2 Corinthians 2.4.

For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you. 2 Corinthians 2:4

2. We ought to fear God. The fear of God is not just something that was taught to the

Jews in the Old Testament. Jesus taught us New Testament believers to fear God. Thus, we read in Matthew 10.28 these words:

“Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” Matthew 10:28

Everyone who claims to know God ought to stand in reverence and awe of God’s holiness and power. We ought to fear turning away from God and having our hearts captured by God-substitutes such as lust, greed, ambition, or an addiction. Throughout the Bible we are taught that the God who is our lover and friend is a jealous God. He does not tolerate competitors for his affection in our lives. In cultivating a fear of God, it is always appropriate to remind ourselves that everything we do is done in the sight of God. And every offense we commit is not only committed against ourselves, but also is committed against God. So, when the Prodigal Son squandered the inheritance he received from his earthly father on loose living and prostitutes, he didn’t only confess his sin against his earthly father, he confessed that also he sinned against God saying, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.”

3. we ought to repent of our own sins. People came to Jesus and told him of two great tragedies that had occurred in their day. One was that some innocent people had been killed by Pontius Pilate; a second involved eighteen people who were killed when a tower fell in Siloam. Jesus used these two reports of tragedy not to underline the sin of those who had perished, but rather to call all of the rest of us to repentance. So Jesus said in Luke 13.5:

“I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.” Luke 13:5

In other words, it is not just the fallen leader who needs to repent. All of us need repentance. We must not think that just because someone else’s sin has been disclosed (and our sin has not yet been disclosed) that God is more upset with them than with us. We all need a deep inward change of our minds and hearts regarding our love affairs with our own pet sins. The news of a leader’s fall is a wake-up call to the rest of us to repent.

4. We ought to guard ourselves against hypocrisy.

Jesus said in Luke 12.1: “Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy.”

In other words, just as yeast spreads and impacts a whole lump of dough, so hypocrisy can spread and impact our entire way of life. What is hypocrisy? Very simply, it means to play act. Hypocrisy means pretending to be better than we are. Hypocrisy involves us living one way before people and another way in private before God. To some degree,

we are all hypocrites. We all play pretend. We all wish to appear better than we are. We all wear masks. But the fact that each of us is, to some degree, a hypocrite should not serve as an excuse for us to indulge in more and more hypocrisy. Rather, we are warned to turn, as fully as we can, to Jesus who alone can deliver us from the sin of hypocrisy. As we see men and women get trapped by sin (including the sin of hypocrisy), we need to kneel at the feet of Jesus and ask him to reveal to us big and little things, significant and insignificant things, which may be offending God.

5. We ought to pray. It is always appropriate for us to pray not only for ourselves but also for our Christian leaders and churches. But we ought to pray all the more whenever we hear of a leader’s fall. We know that Satan does paint a target on leaders. We know

that every leader is vulnerable and that every church is upheld only by the grace of God. Pray for inward holiness for ourselves and our leaders. Pray for protection from the work of the evil one. And pray that God would weave even the tragic news of a leader’s fall together for good: the good of the fallen leader, the good of his family, the good of his church, and the good of all who hear this news and take it to heart by repenting!

"Send the Chaperones Away" -- Rumi

Inside me a hundred beings

are putting their fingers to their lips and saying,

“That’s enough for now. Shhhhh.” Silence

is an ocean. Speech is a river.

When the ocean is searching for you, don’t walk

to the language-river. Listen to the ocean,

and bring your talky business

to an end.

Traditional words are just babbling

in that presence, and babbling is a substitute

for sight. When you sit down beside your beloved,

send the chaperones away, the old women

who brought you together.

When you are mature and with your love,

the love letters and matchmakers

seem irritating.

You might read those letters,

but only to teach beginners about love. One who sees

grows silent. When you’re with one of those,

be still and quiet, unless he asks you

to talk. Then draw the words out

as I do this poem with Husam,

the radiance of God.

I try to stop talking,

but he makes me continue. Husam, if you are in

the vision, why do you want me to say words?

Maybe it’s like the poet Abu Nuwas,

who said in Arabic,

Pour me some wine,

and talk to me about the wine.

The cup is at my mouth

but my ear interrupts,

“I want some.”

O ear, what you get is the heat.

You turn red with this wine.

But the ear says,

“I want more than that!”

to understand love

a weary heart stopped crying long enough to see the sky

and she fell in love with beauty there --

out of the dark forest she wandered

into the wide open spaces of peace

afforded by the warmth of the sun

and the promise after the storm clouds passed.

“now i see,” she mused to the emptiness,

“now i see.”

a sudden illumination, leading to a repose

such as this is indeed a welcome reprieve

from the tumult the heart had formerly known.

she stretched out in happy satisfaction

on the cold damp earth

and let the sun dry her out of her soggy state.

dryness and clarity baked into her,

and she began to understand love.

we must love one another or die. . .

"All I have is a voice

To undo the folded lie,

The romantic lie in the brain

Of the sensual man-in-the-street

And the lie of Authority

Whose buildings grope the sky

There is no such thing as the State

And no one exists alone;

Hunger allows no choice

To the citizen or the police;

We must love one another or die."

- W.H. Auden, "September 1, 1939"

good stuff

if i were you, i would check out this podcast. especially the sermons from the series on 1 Corinthians, and even more specifically the sermons on the gifts. i find them quite biblically based and challenging. go here!

= from Bonhoeffer =

here are few words i found inspiring from "the cost of discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. i would highly recommend this book. it is a hard read (challenging) but well worth it for really testing the heart.

this is from the chapter on the disciple and his neighbors.

Thus i am not permitted to apply to the other person what does not apply to me. For, with my judgment according to good and evil, I only affirm the other person’s evil, for he does exactly the same. But he does not know of the hidden iniquity of the good but seeks his justification in it. If i condemn his evil actions i thereby confirm him in his apparently good actions which are yet never the good commended by Christ. Thus we remove him from the judgment of Christ and subject him to human judgment. But i bring God’s judgment upon my head, for i then do not live any more on and out of the grace of Jesus Christ, but out of my knowledge of good and evil which i hold on to. To everyone God is the kind of God he believes in.

===

But the disciples must ask, they must seek and knock, and then God will hear them. They have to learn that their anxiety and concern for others must drive them to intercession.

it's times like these...

i like reminiscing. take last evening as an instance to prove my point. we were watching a girly movie and my darling and quite pregnant sister got up to use the restroom. we paused the movie so she wouldn’t miss anything, and in the few minutes that she was gone i fell into a state of amazement at: life.

it’s incredible and frightening how time passes so quickly and slowly simultaneously. it’s crazy to look back over the last 2 years and remember where i was, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. in the course of two short years i have run the gauntlet of my emotions concerning my future. i remember distinctly sitting out back of Trinity UMC one youth group night the summer or fall of my senior year and expressing to someone there that i was going to YWAM when i graduated because i couldn’t think of anything better to do than to serve my God in that way. then, for reasons i can’t tie together, i decided to wait and go to college first. i like to think it was God’s way of preparing me for what He has for me, but perhaps it was a free-will decision. (for a funny perspective on free will, check out Scott Adams’ blog).

anyways, in summation: two years has produced this varied response to the question “what are you doing with you life, Kara?”: 1) go to YWAM 2) go to Malone 3) go to OSU-N 4) go to YWAM Mexico 5) go to YWAM Chico. and to Chico i go! i prizzomise that short of some writing on the wall from Jesus i will go to Chico for DTS in January. i fully believe that is where God wants me, although at times it is not where i want to be.

there’s a lot to be learned on my end. even this movie that we watched last night, “the prize-winner of defiance, Ohio” taught me a little something. in it, the lead character (wife to a drunkard and mother of 10) keeps her family together and surviving by winning poetry and jingle contests. this woman shows the love of Christ m ore thoroughly and completely than i’ve ever actually seen in life. over and over and over again she gives grace, and more grace, and still more grace. don’t you think the human storehouses would cease to provide such measures of love and kindness? especially toward people who don’t deserve it and repeatedly lash out against it? yet love breaks through. at one point in the movie, the mother says these incredible words to her grudge-bearing daughter who is angry with her father: “forgive him so you can embrace this truly remarkable day.” it was a stunning example of the freedom in Christ when a person lays down their life for love. but boy, does it look hard.

i think the call to us is to lay down whatever it is in our lives that keeps us unlovely so that we “can truly embrace” these remarkable days that we are handed. i marvel at the consistency of love offered and the quality of it as well. it was so much like Christ’s friends, or at least what i imagine watching Christ interact would have looked like. funny enough, the whole movie brought to mind an old hymn that i had only ever heard the first line of. thankfully, my madre is a fountain of hymn-lyrics and she busted it out for me. i later found it in one of the old hymnals laying around and thought i would share it with you:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

To added affliction He addeth His mercy,

To Multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,

His power has no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, OR WHO BECAME HIS COUNSELOR? Or WHO HAS FIRST GIVEN TO HIM THAT IT MIGHT BE PAID BACK TO HIM AGAIN? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:33-36)

returning - as promised

this is a fear that i have that i would appreciate prayer about: i am afraid that upon my return i will not have a place, any place. well, especially the place that i want. there are certain things that i desire to return to and i am afraid that when i return my place will be filled and there will be no need for me. and then i will exist in a quasi-existing state, living but not fulfilling any roles or contributing where my heart is passionate.

i suppose i know full well that since God has ordained for me to go then when He ordains for me to return it will be for His reasons again, and i will have a place. but in honesty i'm very happy with what i've built up around me and i enjoy being secure in my positions. perhaps that is something that God desires to strip me of.

i know the answer to my problems, i know the comfort for my fears.
but sometimes i just prefer to sit and wish for tears
i long for tears to flowing run from heart then down my face
to express what i have long since felt from bowing to Your grace:
the frustration that has been building deep in my mind
am i not doing this right?

school's out in another 2 weeks basically, thanks to God! i am ready to be done studying and attending classes. the end of the quarter marks one year for Micah and Marjorie to be in Bosnia and they will return to Denver that day! i am so excited. they will be home (here) for New Years and it will indeed be amazing to see them. this week, for thanksgiving, Josiah and Aleen are coming in town and i feel like i haven't seen them for years! it will be good to have some heart to heart talks with Aleen. i am so thankful for my family, i do give thanks for them.

i also want to say a huge and general thank you to God for love. totally for His love that draws us to Christ so we can live in love with the Divine one! and what a love. i am falling in love with the love of Christ and the person of Christ and i love it. it's all about love.

what i do? i do for Love. what You do? You do for You. All You do is rooted in Love, and i am rooted in You.

givingthanks

hope renewed
it cannot disappoint
God has chosen to keep me thus.
heart lifted
He will not disappoint.
You taste better than all of this stuff.

kept secure
i could not be more blessed
You have kept me again and again.
rescued, safe,
overwhelmed at Your feet:
i remain.
Oh, how i need You, Friend.

Let me just say that i am amazed
before i here lay down my pen
before i now lay down my head
before i sink into rest
let me just say that i am too blessed
Your grace is sufficient for me
Your hand has dealt wonderfully
Your love is enough.
Let me just say...thanks.

You are far better, than the richest of fare.

Love the Journeyer, Love to You, Lord God.

will i have a place when i return?

more thoughts on this later, for now:

“Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.”

-- Winnie the pooh

nap time.

i am exhausted from life and living. i am half-filled with energy and half-drained to the core.
there's my personal update for the day. :)

i read 1 Corinthians 13 today, the good old 'love chapter'. what a reminder of the power of love! God does what He does ultimately out of his vast and endless love for you and i. and we have the opportunity to love Him back and love the people around us in creative ways and in the truth of Christ. what an obligation!
someone said:
"there are more people who wish to be loved than there are who are willing to love."
that's because love is hard hard work. As Joyce Cary said, "Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden - it's something you have to make. And you must use your imagination too."
Love is an imaginative and intentional work that takes commitment and unselfishness. too bad we are not naturally endowed with a high level of either one! but our God is all about the process of making us more like His son Christ in everything. and so He sets us on a path of love and living to make us more like Him.
This love is not a flashy, attention-grabbing love. This is the love of Christ that seeks to better others without making it's presence flamboyant. our love has the ability to make Christ's presence flamboyant while we serve quietly. "But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there."
And so, my friends, it is time to love. Pursue love, the real and true love of Christ. live unselfishly, live intentionally, live seeking the Kingdom first and foremost. All other things will be added to you.

“Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever.”

oh i guess i should probably say something now, huh?

Here's to easy French tests and studying for Sociology exams.

Last week ended well, with a Sunday at NewLife for once and a family outing that was fantastic. God continues to provide for DTS in ways that i don't expect, and i am amazed by the outpouring of resources and the willingness of the people in my life to contribute to this phase of my life. it's super humbling, and i don't quite know how to handle it.

i'll be back at the Young Adult's group tonight, for the first time in about a month. Things have just been coming up! i'm glad to be returning. it is super weird to me that today is November 14th already. where is the time going?

super big shoutout to big brother #1! Happy birthday Josiah! see you next week!

ok back to whatever i was talking about.

i had an interesting thought about evolution today. i was sitting in Psych class, and we were discussing Freud's psychoanalytic theory about gender socialization and how males and females come to be male and female. Then we talked about an evolutionary theory, which mentioned that species and genders over millions of years develop the characteristics necessary for survival of the species, for passing along the genes. it said that the male birds with the brightest feathers get the girl birds, and pass on their bright feather genes to the next generation. and the girl birds that don't have parasites can pass on their non-parasytic genese to the next generation. and voila! here are all these birds.

ok the point is: evolutionary psychology assumes that the species on the earth live for the sole purpose of reproduction. it seems that all of the evolutionary theories focus on the ability of the species to pass on the necessary characteristics for the furtherance of the society. While biological reproduction is a viable facet of every species' existence, it seems to me that the quality of life and the joy of living is widely ignored and not mentioned in these theories. maybe because they feel so much time has passed that it's easier to talk in terms of various generations without mentioning much more than their reproduction and subsequent death. do we live to make babies and then die? what kind of a life is that?! pretty lame, if you ask me.

Evolutionary theories give us no purpose because they hold no purposeful aim other than to exist and propagate the next generation. what a lot they miss by holding these tenents! they cannot ignore that their lives contain more than the acts necessary for reproduction. in life there is pain, sadness, joy, beauty, food, love, color, it's LIFE! my thought is that evolution has taken the life out of living.

later in class we watched a movie about PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. it was a hard video to watch. there was a story about a girl who was molested by 5 people in her family, got pregnant at 9 and had a 5-month old baby who was promptly killed by the molesting father, then the next year at age 10 had a full-term son who was illegally given up for adoption. and now she is a mother and wife and is trying to deal with all of this junk from her past, things that people should NEVER have to think about, let alone walk through as 9 year olds. i hate the fact that other members of my species are capable of such evil, probably because it means i'm not that far away from committing similar acts. if we are all part of the human race, what makes some people evil and some people good? inherently i am not any better than a child molester - because all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. we are indeed a messed up race and we are digging ourselves deeper.

sorry for the heavy words, i hope they made sense and inspired creative thoughts about the need to reach people for Christ. are we doing all we can?

good morning orange juice!

a lot of things

A lot of things are going on. i've just returned from a wonderfully frustrating weekend with the Middle High kids from the church. It really was a great weekend of relationship building and sowing seeds, but it served as yet another reminder that laboring is hard hard work. It feels fruitless to a point, but as my dear brother reminded me today,

"the Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
(2 Peter 3.9)

There was a verse that i heard last week and was enthralled, so i looked it up in Philippians. Reading on, i discovered it was buried in rich context only a few chapters from where the sessions of the MH retreat where based. It's another reminder of who's really in charge around here:

so then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
(Philippians 2.12-13)

it is for this reason that i

"count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom i have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that i may gain Christ"
(Philippians 3.8)

Because of hope deferred it's been a frustrating day, in my writings this weekend i discovered that

'i cannot cry.
i have no anger to release into violence.
my frustration is great but i will not pound walls.
my world is too close to turn it all off
and there is no darkness or peace.
are you enough Christ? will you really really someday satisfy?
will this ever get easier?
are you really better?'

These are questions my MH girls have not even tasted an answer to, and don't even know that they are asking. but they are deep in the hearts of all humankind, of this i am convinced.

i felt God calling for me to pick up His words and experience peace, but i was scared of what i thought He would lead me to. i begged Him for words to sustain and not crush me. He gently led me back to Lamentations, one of the first sections of the bible that ever captured my heart:

My soul has been rejected from peace;
i have fogotten happiness.
so i say, "my strength has perished,
and so has my hope from the Lord."
Remember my affliction and my wandering,
the wormwood and bitterness.
Surely my soul remembers
and is bowed down within me.
This i recall to mind,
therefore i have hope.
The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed
never cease,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore i have hope in Him."
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the person who seeks Him.
(Lamentations 3.20-25)

And so i am led to trust again that God's nearness to me is my only good, and to ask Him just how GOOD He really is, and what that means for my life. Life is a wild ride, and my head is spinning tonight with happenings and meanderings and callings. God still has not answered some of my questions, but maybe it's that He's answering with a 'not now' and not necessarily a 'forever' or a 'never'.

live from my heart, it's monday night.

"hoping for hope"

"here's hoping for hope..."
and the poet raised her glass,
those around her gathered for love
nodded agreement and silently thought:
"what strength, what dignity, what heart this one has! to stand in the onslaught of war..."

meanwhile the lover cries without shedding a tear,
anguished by the thoughts of future realities --
she envisions her only prayer:
"i am falling helpless, and desperately longing for peace.
all i have wanted is inescapably withdrawn and all hope has been extinguished.
Everything, but love."
and the new year dawns.

i am the poet, giving the toast, making the words to make sense.
giving a moment a forever caption
my words with my life i will serve.

i am the crowd that has gathered for love, admiring my own strength and courage.

but most i'm the lover who knows the truth and sees the reality --
not having the words to explain it into cognition i simply surrender to love.

a few more thoughts that are even less important than whether it is raining in Patagonia.

A real update follows.

Welcome to the last day of October! Today has been a nice day so far. i went to school, actually got out of the house on time which is remarkable these days. i have been tired for almost 2 weeks straight so it's getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed and get out of the house in the mornings. But God's speed was with me this morning and i was on my way by 730. i was able to read a little bit this morning from 2nd Timothy. i guess i read the whole thing but i was distracted because i thought i had broken my camera. turns out the batteries were dead, and once i switched them back at home it works fine! yay God!

i finished my latin homework then sat through class, it's way fun to study latin. everyone should do it. then i made my way over to Founders Hall for Psych 100. it's a fun class, the prof is cool, and we always get out early. today we were out by 1130 but i had to walk through the mistiness to my car. drove home, posted a few different things and wrote some emails, then started studying for my exam thursday when my big brother #3 calls. he and jeff are going out to lunch and i'm invited! so i hop in my car and drive to Chipotle. turns out if you wear tinfoil to chipotle on halloween they give you a free burrito, but nobody told me that so i had to pay for mine. we ate, then i stopped to get some candy in case someone actually comes to our house for trick or treat (nobody EVER does).

and since then, i've been home, watching a movie and surfing the net. found some cool sites of people who have been where i'm going (click here) (or here) (or here), and rediscovered a cool video. i will be studying later, and doing bookwork, and possibly tinkering around on the old ivories. and if no one comes to our house for trick or treat i'll be eating candy! yay for candy!

as far as YWAM goes, things are going well. i've talked to the registrar personally, which was fun times, and have received the information packet. it's so weird to think that i'll be leaving here in 68 days. yikes. preparations are coming well, support is coming in, and God is preparing my heart. Thanks so much to you if you are one who is praying for my journey! i absolutely appreciate it with all my heart.

here's to November! blessings.

k

"quotes"

“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way” -- C.S. Lewis

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” -- C.S. Lewis

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -- C.S. Lewis

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” -- Mother Teresa

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.” -- Unknown

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” -- Mother Teresa

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” -- C.S. Lewis

“God loves us the way we are, but too much to leave us that way” -- Leighton Ford

“We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them.” - Charles C. West

something from nothing

i like this picture. it's kind of weird, but it's still cool. i like vitamin water. it tastes good. supposedly it's good for me too. i liked this weekend. went to Spontane Deuce with the young adults from the church. we had fun. marshmallow fights, walking in the mud with (the rocking female) young leu, cards, chili, talking, etc... . you name it. breaking brownie pans. oh yeah.

i'm liking this day. a little dreary, just a tad rainy, but it's a good day. got out of class nice and early and made it home with some time to kill! so here i am killing it. updates.....hmm....here we go:

ahem. i've officially been accepted to DTS in Chico, starting January 8th (i get to skip town on the 7th). i also received the packet just yesterday in the mail, the packet talking about rules and what to bring and what i'll be doing. it's fun.

it's also incredibly scary. i can't believe i'm actually going to leave my home, my home of all my life and love, and move to california for 5 months. well, 3 months, then somewhere even further for 2 months. i'm trying to get my mind around my changing reality, but i have to stay focused for the realities i'm in right now. i've got school going on, with like 3 tests a week depending on the week and class, and it's crazy. i've got the Middle-High retreat this weekend, the Young Adults' was last weekend, i've got homework out my ears that i should be doing, but there are things that i'd rather do.

like spend time with the people i love that i must leave behind shortly. thus said, i abandoned my homework sunday afternoon for a wonderful afternoon with some friends. thus said, i'm going to abandon my homework yet again this afternoon for lunch with my brother and his best friend. someday it will probably catch up with me, let's say week 8. but right now, it's week 6. i'm going to live in week 6.

so this update is really boring. i can't imagine i'll have a whole lot more to say once i go away, but hopefully God will put words on my heart that will mean something to someone other than just me. we'll see! i guess this is goodbye till i have something more important to write!!

buenas tardes. au revoir! tata.

"A Sonnet of Sonnets, #6" -- Christina Rossetti

Trust me, I have not earned your dear rebuke, --
i love, as you would have me, God the most;
would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,
nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look,
unready to forego what I forsook;
This say I, having counted up the cost,
This, though i be the feeblest of God's host,
The sorriest sheep Christ shepherds with his crook.
Yet while I love God the most, I deem
that I can never love you over-much;
I love Him more, so let me love you too;
Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such
I cannot love you if I love not Him,
I cannot love Him, if I love not you.

Worlds Apart -- Jars of Clay

i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high and like a charus i collide

with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love, to give and die

to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
of a world embracing every heartache

can i be the one to sacrifice
or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

to love you -- take my world apart
to need you -- i am on my knees
to love you -- take my world apart
to need you -- broken on my knees

all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me

did you really have to die for me

all i am for all you are
because what i need and what i believe are worlds apart

manifest actions and latent meanings

i guess i should just come out and tell you
there's more to me than meets the naked eye
maybe i hide too much of the other
but my two lives? both must soon surely die

meeting me on the street you will find
ill seldom tell if ive had a bad day
but my intermittent savageries
are screaming what i really want to say

so i need to write about life and death
upon examining most of my words
you may find an inconsistency there
you may think my mind has gone to the birds

sure, in person i am sweet i am mild
only some know when my life's getting rough
do you think that my words are too heavy?
i don't mind. listen: i can't get enough.

writing darkness brings to light all the blazing things i hide
you know me? well i think not. you only know one side.

don't you know who i am?

"time is flying and dragging simultaneously." "no wonder everyone in college is so confused."

It is hard to believe that October is on its way out of the year. It's the 25th people! i love it because i am counting down till school's out for the quarter. . . this is the 5th full week so i am almost halfway done. And doing well! another reason i am excited that october is almost over is because it's another month closer to DTS.

but that means it's another month closer to DTS. what am i doing? i am really going away! i got the call today from Chico saying that i was officially accepted. i grinned, and chuckled a little, but nothing really changed. i already knew i was going. this is right and this is good. i promise.

but it is strange to think about life in the community i'm leaving. is it best for them if i am not here for 5 months? are there things that God needs to teach them without me here? or is all of this just for me and my life? i refuse to believe that, especially after reading Isaiah 48.11 last week. No. God acts for His purposes and His name's sake. i just happen to be involved, that's all. along for a sweet sweet ride.

i am having fun this week.
i'm a little less tired!
i am feeling a little less weak
but not quite feeling inspired.
i am happy to be here
but happy to be going away
i am glad that God is near
no matter where i stay.
i am happy to know you
and i'm happy that you know me
as happy as the watery blue
that's happy to be in the sea.
i'm ecstatic to feel some things
i've been feeling over again
i am eternally waiting and hoping:
i don't want to stay where i've been!
for a moment i'm quietly satisfied
and this moment i'll savor with time
slowly myself is being crucified
but i am happy to die.

Christ's call is to come and die. die to self, die to the world, die to sin. what a demanding call. i am really excited for the opportunity to give it all away, forsake all i know, for the knowledge of Christ. i hope your weeks are filled with Christ's words spoken to your hearts and minds. be blessed.

peace out --

k

Isaiah 48.10-11

Wow! so things are moving along rather rapidly......................wow.

"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; i have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; for how can My name be profaned? and My glory I will not give to another." Isaiah 48.10-11

This whole DTS thing is about so much for than just me. Everything is about more than me. of course! if and when God acts, it is for HIS sake, not just mine. i pray that i will glorify Christ by becoming so like Him that my prayers are in line with what God was planning for His sake anyways. Those are the prayers that i want answered. i don't want any selfish prayers answered, i want to be able to count on the fact that when God acts it is for His sake and is a statement of what He is about.

so apparently He is all about me going to YWAM.

do you know how much i will pay for my airplane tickets to california? $$zero$$.

and it rocks not just because it's one less thing that I have to furnish, it rocks because it proves to me (as confirmation) that God is working to get me to YWAM. it's not just my doing that will get me there, and it's not just so 'i will learn' or so 'i will be changed'. oh no. this is for God's glory. for His name's sake. For His own sake alone. He has purposes that i can't fathom. that's part of what is so scary.

sure, i will learn and be changed in the process, but God works for His sake and for His name and His kingdom and His renown. may glory be attributed to God in my words and actions and life. may i die to myself daily so that He will live more fully in me.

peace until next time the sun shines so brightly.....

k

NEWS! Breaking news. . .

um. . .my friends: i have made my decision. januray 6 i embark for California! Chico, to be exact. after a lot of prayer i have decided that Mexico is not the place for my DTS, but DTS is still the place for me! so Chico was discovered and i'm all signed up, and very excited. things are finally starting to come together.

a verse that i believe God has been speaking to my spirit concerning DTS is Ezekiel 40.4:
The man said to me, "Son of man, see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and give attention to all that I am going to show you; for you have been brought here in order to show {it} to you. Declare to the house of Israel all that you see."

so i'll keep you posted. be blessed!

when you are gone, i

boston pictures

i got to play a $93,000 Steinway in Boston...how sweet is that?






















me beside a weed-o's jewerly stand. T wouldn't let me buy earrings. . .