11.06.2006
a lot of things
A lot of things are going on. i've just returned from a wonderfully frustrating weekend with the Middle High kids from the church. It really was a great weekend of relationship building and sowing seeds, but it served as yet another reminder that laboring is hard hard work. It feels fruitless to a point, but as my dear brother reminded me today,
"the Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
(2 Peter 3.9)
There was a verse that i heard last week and was enthralled, so i looked it up in Philippians. Reading on, i discovered it was buried in rich context only a few chapters from where the sessions of the MH retreat where based. It's another reminder of who's really in charge around here:
so then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
(Philippians 2.12-13)
"the Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
(2 Peter 3.9)
There was a verse that i heard last week and was enthralled, so i looked it up in Philippians. Reading on, i discovered it was buried in rich context only a few chapters from where the sessions of the MH retreat where based. It's another reminder of who's really in charge around here:
so then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
(Philippians 2.12-13)
it is for this reason that i
"count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom i have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that i may gain Christ"
(Philippians 3.8)
(Philippians 3.8)
Because of hope deferred it's been a frustrating day, in my writings this weekend i discovered that
'i cannot cry.
i have no anger to release into violence.
my frustration is great but i will not pound walls.
my world is too close to turn it all off
and there is no darkness or peace.
are you enough Christ? will you really really someday satisfy?
will this ever get easier?
are you really better?'
'i cannot cry.
i have no anger to release into violence.
my frustration is great but i will not pound walls.
my world is too close to turn it all off
and there is no darkness or peace.
are you enough Christ? will you really really someday satisfy?
will this ever get easier?
are you really better?'
These are questions my MH girls have not even tasted an answer to, and don't even know that they are asking. but they are deep in the hearts of all humankind, of this i am convinced.
i felt God calling for me to pick up His words and experience peace, but i was scared of what i thought He would lead me to. i begged Him for words to sustain and not crush me. He gently led me back to Lamentations, one of the first sections of the bible that ever captured my heart:
i felt God calling for me to pick up His words and experience peace, but i was scared of what i thought He would lead me to. i begged Him for words to sustain and not crush me. He gently led me back to Lamentations, one of the first sections of the bible that ever captured my heart:
My soul has been rejected from peace;
i have fogotten happiness.
so i say, "my strength has perished,
and so has my hope from the Lord."
Remember my affliction and my wandering,
the wormwood and bitterness.
Surely my soul remembers
and is bowed down within me.
This i recall to mind,
therefore i have hope.
The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed
never cease,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore i have hope in Him."
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the person who seeks Him.
(Lamentations 3.20-25)
i have fogotten happiness.
so i say, "my strength has perished,
and so has my hope from the Lord."
Remember my affliction and my wandering,
the wormwood and bitterness.
Surely my soul remembers
and is bowed down within me.
This i recall to mind,
therefore i have hope.
The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed
never cease,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore i have hope in Him."
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the person who seeks Him.
(Lamentations 3.20-25)
And so i am led to trust again that God's nearness to me is my only good, and to ask Him just how GOOD He really is, and what that means for my life. Life is a wild ride, and my head is spinning tonight with happenings and meanderings and callings. God still has not answered some of my questions, but maybe it's that He's answering with a 'not now' and not necessarily a 'forever' or a 'never'.
live from my heart, it's monday night.
11.02.2006
"hoping for hope"
"here's hoping for hope..."
and the poet raised her glass,
those around her gathered for love
nodded agreement and silently thought:
"what strength, what dignity, what heart this one has! to stand in the onslaught of war..."
meanwhile the lover cries without shedding a tear,
anguished by the thoughts of future realities --
she envisions her only prayer:
"i am falling helpless, and desperately longing for peace.
all i have wanted is inescapably withdrawn and all hope has been extinguished.
Everything, but love."
and the new year dawns.
i am the poet, giving the toast, making the words to make sense.
giving a moment a forever caption
my words with my life i will serve.
i am the crowd that has gathered for love, admiring my own strength and courage.
but most i'm the lover who knows the truth and sees the reality --
not having the words to explain it into cognition i simply surrender to love.
and the poet raised her glass,
those around her gathered for love
nodded agreement and silently thought:
"what strength, what dignity, what heart this one has! to stand in the onslaught of war..."
meanwhile the lover cries without shedding a tear,
anguished by the thoughts of future realities --
she envisions her only prayer:
"i am falling helpless, and desperately longing for peace.
all i have wanted is inescapably withdrawn and all hope has been extinguished.
Everything, but love."
and the new year dawns.
i am the poet, giving the toast, making the words to make sense.
giving a moment a forever caption
my words with my life i will serve.
i am the crowd that has gathered for love, admiring my own strength and courage.
but most i'm the lover who knows the truth and sees the reality --
not having the words to explain it into cognition i simply surrender to love.
10.31.2006
a few more thoughts that are even less important than whether it is raining in Patagonia.
A real update follows.
Welcome to the last day of October! Today has been a nice day so far. i went to school, actually got out of the house on time which is remarkable these days. i have been tired for almost 2 weeks straight so it's getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed and get out of the house in the mornings. But God's speed was with me this morning and i was on my way by 730. i was able to read a little bit this morning from 2nd Timothy. i guess i read the whole thing but i was distracted because i thought i had broken my camera. turns out the batteries were dead, and once i switched them back at home it works fine! yay God!
i finished my latin homework then sat through class, it's way fun to study latin. everyone should do it. then i made my way over to Founders Hall for Psych 100. it's a fun class, the prof is cool, and we always get out early. today we were out by 1130 but i had to walk through the mistiness to my car. drove home, posted a few different things and wrote some emails, then started studying for my exam thursday when my big brother #3 calls. he and jeff are going out to lunch and i'm invited! so i hop in my car and drive to Chipotle. turns out if you wear tinfoil to chipotle on halloween they give you a free burrito, but nobody told me that so i had to pay for mine. we ate, then i stopped to get some candy in case someone actually comes to our house for trick or treat (nobody EVER does).
and since then, i've been home, watching a movie and surfing the net. found some cool sites of people who have been where i'm going (click here) (or here) (or here), and rediscovered a cool video. i will be studying later, and doing bookwork, and possibly tinkering around on the old ivories. and if no one comes to our house for trick or treat i'll be eating candy! yay for candy!
as far as YWAM goes, things are going well. i've talked to the registrar personally, which was fun times, and have received the information packet. it's so weird to think that i'll be leaving here in 68 days. yikes. preparations are coming well, support is coming in, and God is preparing my heart. Thanks so much to you if you are one who is praying for my journey! i absolutely appreciate it with all my heart.
here's to November! blessings.
k
Welcome to the last day of October! Today has been a nice day so far. i went to school, actually got out of the house on time which is remarkable these days. i have been tired for almost 2 weeks straight so it's getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed and get out of the house in the mornings. But God's speed was with me this morning and i was on my way by 730. i was able to read a little bit this morning from 2nd Timothy. i guess i read the whole thing but i was distracted because i thought i had broken my camera. turns out the batteries were dead, and once i switched them back at home it works fine! yay God!
i finished my latin homework then sat through class, it's way fun to study latin. everyone should do it. then i made my way over to Founders Hall for Psych 100. it's a fun class, the prof is cool, and we always get out early. today we were out by 1130 but i had to walk through the mistiness to my car. drove home, posted a few different things and wrote some emails, then started studying for my exam thursday when my big brother #3 calls. he and jeff are going out to lunch and i'm invited! so i hop in my car and drive to Chipotle. turns out if you wear tinfoil to chipotle on halloween they give you a free burrito, but nobody told me that so i had to pay for mine. we ate, then i stopped to get some candy in case someone actually comes to our house for trick or treat (nobody EVER does).
and since then, i've been home, watching a movie and surfing the net. found some cool sites of people who have been where i'm going (click here) (or here) (or here), and rediscovered a cool video. i will be studying later, and doing bookwork, and possibly tinkering around on the old ivories. and if no one comes to our house for trick or treat i'll be eating candy! yay for candy!
as far as YWAM goes, things are going well. i've talked to the registrar personally, which was fun times, and have received the information packet. it's so weird to think that i'll be leaving here in 68 days. yikes. preparations are coming well, support is coming in, and God is preparing my heart. Thanks so much to you if you are one who is praying for my journey! i absolutely appreciate it with all my heart.
here's to November! blessings.
k
"quotes"
“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way” -- C.S. Lewis
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” -- C.S. Lewis
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -- C.S. Lewis
“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” -- Mother Teresa
“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.” -- Unknown
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” -- Mother Teresa
“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” -- C.S. Lewis
“God loves us the way we are, but too much to leave us that way” -- Leighton Ford
“We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them.” - Charles C. West
something from nothing
i like this picture. it's kind of weird, but it's still cool. i like vitamin water. it tastes good. supposedly it's good for me too. i liked this weekend. went to Spontane Deuce with the young adults from the church. we had fun. marshmallow fights, walking in the mud with (the rocking female) young leu, cards, chili, talking, etc... . you name it. breaking brownie pans. oh yeah.i'm liking this day. a little dreary, just a tad rainy, but it's a good day. got out of class nice and early and made it home with some time to kill! so here i am killing it. updates.....hmm....here we go:
ahem. i've officially been accepted to DTS in Chico, starting January 8th (i get to skip town on the 7th). i also received the packet just yesterday in the mail, the packet talking about rules and what to bring and what i'll be doing. it's fun.
it's also incredibly scary. i can't believe i'm actually going to leave my home, my home of all my life and love, and move to california for 5 months. well, 3 months, then somewhere even further for 2 months. i'm trying to get my mind around my changing reality, but i have to stay focused for the realities i'm in right now. i've got school going on, with like 3 tests a week depending on the week and class, and it's crazy. i've got the Middle-High retreat this weekend, the Young Adults' was last weekend, i've got homework out my ears that i should be doing, but there are things that i'd rather do.
like spend time with the people i love that i must leave behind shortly. thus said, i abandoned my homework sunday afternoon for a wonderful afternoon with some friends. thus said, i'm going to abandon my homework yet again this afternoon for lunch with my brother and his best friend. someday it will probably catch up with me, let's say week 8. but right now, it's week 6. i'm going to live in week 6.
so this update is really boring. i can't imagine i'll have a whole lot more to say once i go away, but hopefully God will put words on my heart that will mean something to someone other than just me. we'll see! i guess this is goodbye till i have something more important to write!!
buenas tardes. au revoir! tata.
10.29.2006
"A Sonnet of Sonnets, #6" -- Christina Rossetti
Trust me, I have not earned your dear rebuke, --
i love, as you would have me, God the most;
would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,
nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look,
unready to forego what I forsook;
This say I, having counted up the cost,
This, though i be the feeblest of God's host,
The sorriest sheep Christ shepherds with his crook.
Yet while I love God the most, I deem
that I can never love you over-much;
I love Him more, so let me love you too;
Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such
I cannot love you if I love not Him,
I cannot love Him, if I love not you.
i love, as you would have me, God the most;
would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,
nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look,
unready to forego what I forsook;
This say I, having counted up the cost,
This, though i be the feeblest of God's host,
The sorriest sheep Christ shepherds with his crook.
Yet while I love God the most, I deem
that I can never love you over-much;
I love Him more, so let me love you too;
Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such
I cannot love you if I love not Him,
I cannot love Him, if I love not you.
10.27.2006
Worlds Apart -- Jars of Clay
i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high and like a charus i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love, to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
of a world embracing every heartache
can i be the one to sacrifice
or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
to love you -- take my world apart
to need you -- i am on my knees
to love you -- take my world apart
to need you -- broken on my knees
all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
did you really have to die for me
all i am for all you are
because what i need and what i believe are worlds apart
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high and like a charus i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love, to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
of a world embracing every heartache
can i be the one to sacrifice
or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
to love you -- take my world apart
to need you -- i am on my knees
to love you -- take my world apart
to need you -- broken on my knees
all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
did you really have to die for me
all i am for all you are
because what i need and what i believe are worlds apart
10.26.2006
manifest actions and latent meanings
i guess i should just come out and tell you
there's more to me than meets the naked eye
maybe i hide too much of the other
but my two lives? both must soon surely die
meeting me on the street you will find
ill seldom tell if ive had a bad day
but my intermittent savageries
are screaming what i really want to say
so i need to write about life and death
upon examining most of my words
you may find an inconsistency there
you may think my mind has gone to the birds
sure, in person i am sweet i am mild
only some know when my life's getting rough
do you think that my words are too heavy?
i don't mind. listen: i can't get enough.
writing darkness brings to light all the blazing things i hide
you know me? well i think not. you only know one side.
don't you know who i am?
there's more to me than meets the naked eye
maybe i hide too much of the other
but my two lives? both must soon surely die
meeting me on the street you will find
ill seldom tell if ive had a bad day
but my intermittent savageries
are screaming what i really want to say
so i need to write about life and death
upon examining most of my words
you may find an inconsistency there
you may think my mind has gone to the birds
sure, in person i am sweet i am mild
only some know when my life's getting rough
do you think that my words are too heavy?
i don't mind. listen: i can't get enough.
writing darkness brings to light all the blazing things i hide
you know me? well i think not. you only know one side.
don't you know who i am?
10.25.2006
"time is flying and dragging simultaneously." "no wonder everyone in college is so confused."
It is hard to believe that October is on its way out of the year. It's the 25th people! i love it because i am counting down till school's out for the quarter. . . this is the 5th full week so i am almost halfway done. And doing well! another reason i am excited that october is almost over is because it's another month closer to DTS.
but that means it's another month closer to DTS. what am i doing? i am really going away! i got the call today from Chico saying that i was officially accepted. i grinned, and chuckled a little, but nothing really changed. i already knew i was going. this is right and this is good. i promise.
but it is strange to think about life in the community i'm leaving. is it best for them if i am not here for 5 months? are there things that God needs to teach them without me here? or is all of this just for me and my life? i refuse to believe that, especially after reading Isaiah 48.11 last week. No. God acts for His purposes and His name's sake. i just happen to be involved, that's all. along for a sweet sweet ride.
i am having fun this week.
i'm a little less tired!
i am feeling a little less weak
but not quite feeling inspired.
i am happy to be here
but happy to be going away
i am glad that God is near
no matter where i stay.
i am happy to know you
and i'm happy that you know me
as happy as the watery blue
that's happy to be in the sea.
i'm ecstatic to feel some things
i've been feeling over again
i am eternally waiting and hoping:
i don't want to stay where i've been!
for a moment i'm quietly satisfied
and this moment i'll savor with time
slowly myself is being crucified
but i am happy to die.
Christ's call is to come and die. die to self, die to the world, die to sin. what a demanding call. i am really excited for the opportunity to give it all away, forsake all i know, for the knowledge of Christ. i hope your weeks are filled with Christ's words spoken to your hearts and minds. be blessed.
peace out --
k
but that means it's another month closer to DTS. what am i doing? i am really going away! i got the call today from Chico saying that i was officially accepted. i grinned, and chuckled a little, but nothing really changed. i already knew i was going. this is right and this is good. i promise.
but it is strange to think about life in the community i'm leaving. is it best for them if i am not here for 5 months? are there things that God needs to teach them without me here? or is all of this just for me and my life? i refuse to believe that, especially after reading Isaiah 48.11 last week. No. God acts for His purposes and His name's sake. i just happen to be involved, that's all. along for a sweet sweet ride.
i am having fun this week.
i'm a little less tired!
i am feeling a little less weak
but not quite feeling inspired.
i am happy to be here
but happy to be going away
i am glad that God is near
no matter where i stay.
i am happy to know you
and i'm happy that you know me
as happy as the watery blue
that's happy to be in the sea.
i'm ecstatic to feel some things
i've been feeling over again
i am eternally waiting and hoping:
i don't want to stay where i've been!
for a moment i'm quietly satisfied
and this moment i'll savor with time
slowly myself is being crucified
but i am happy to die.
Christ's call is to come and die. die to self, die to the world, die to sin. what a demanding call. i am really excited for the opportunity to give it all away, forsake all i know, for the knowledge of Christ. i hope your weeks are filled with Christ's words spoken to your hearts and minds. be blessed.
peace out --
k
10.19.2006
Isaiah 48.10-11
Wow! so things are moving along rather rapidly......................wow.
"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; i have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; for how can My name be profaned? and My glory I will not give to another." Isaiah 48.10-11
This whole DTS thing is about so much for than just me. Everything is about more than me. of course! if and when God acts, it is for HIS sake, not just mine. i pray that i will glorify Christ by becoming so like Him that my prayers are in line with what God was planning for His sake anyways. Those are the prayers that i want answered. i don't want any selfish prayers answered, i want to be able to count on the fact that when God acts it is for His sake and is a statement of what He is about.
so apparently He is all about me going to YWAM.
do you know how much i will pay for my airplane tickets to california? $$zero$$.
and it rocks not just because it's one less thing that I have to furnish, it rocks because it proves to me (as confirmation) that God is working to get me to YWAM. it's not just my doing that will get me there, and it's not just so 'i will learn' or so 'i will be changed'. oh no. this is for God's glory. for His name's sake. For His own sake alone. He has purposes that i can't fathom. that's part of what is so scary.
sure, i will learn and be changed in the process, but God works for His sake and for His name and His kingdom and His renown. may glory be attributed to God in my words and actions and life. may i die to myself daily so that He will live more fully in me.
peace until next time the sun shines so brightly.....
k
"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; i have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; for how can My name be profaned? and My glory I will not give to another." Isaiah 48.10-11
This whole DTS thing is about so much for than just me. Everything is about more than me. of course! if and when God acts, it is for HIS sake, not just mine. i pray that i will glorify Christ by becoming so like Him that my prayers are in line with what God was planning for His sake anyways. Those are the prayers that i want answered. i don't want any selfish prayers answered, i want to be able to count on the fact that when God acts it is for His sake and is a statement of what He is about.
so apparently He is all about me going to YWAM.
do you know how much i will pay for my airplane tickets to california? $$zero$$.
and it rocks not just because it's one less thing that I have to furnish, it rocks because it proves to me (as confirmation) that God is working to get me to YWAM. it's not just my doing that will get me there, and it's not just so 'i will learn' or so 'i will be changed'. oh no. this is for God's glory. for His name's sake. For His own sake alone. He has purposes that i can't fathom. that's part of what is so scary.
sure, i will learn and be changed in the process, but God works for His sake and for His name and His kingdom and His renown. may glory be attributed to God in my words and actions and life. may i die to myself daily so that He will live more fully in me.
peace until next time the sun shines so brightly.....
k
10.12.2006
NEWS! Breaking news. . .
um. . .my friends: i have made my decision. januray 6 i embark for California! Chico, to be exact. after a lot of prayer i have decided that Mexico is not the place for my DTS, but DTS is still the place for me! so Chico was discovered and i'm all signed up, and very excited. things are finally starting to come together.
a verse that i believe God has been speaking to my spirit concerning DTS is Ezekiel 40.4:
The man said to me, "Son of man, see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and give attention to all that I am going to show you; for you have been brought here in order to show {it} to you. Declare to the house of Israel all that you see."
so i'll keep you posted. be blessed!
a verse that i believe God has been speaking to my spirit concerning DTS is Ezekiel 40.4:
The man said to me, "Son of man, see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and give attention to all that I am going to show you; for you have been brought here in order to show {it} to you. Declare to the house of Israel all that you see."
so i'll keep you posted. be blessed!
10.07.2006
boston pictures
i got to play a $93,000 Steinway in Boston...how sweet is that?
me beside a weed-o's jewerly stand. T wouldn't let me buy earrings. . .
9.25.2006
girls girls girls. what are we doing?
i'm frustrated. no wonder things are as bad as they are, and are continuing to get worse.
1) in obvious facts we are dealing with humanity which = sin. ok i understand that.
but . . .
2) we are digging ourselves deeper. and i don't mean for a better swimming pool. oh no. we'll be buried alive.
i see girls, crying out vocally, in writing, and in actions -- for love. for something more than their fathers, their brothers, or their boyfriends are giving or could ever give.
these girls' names are . . .
"do you think i'm beautiful?"
"am i valuable to you? to anyone?"
"will you love me unconditionally?"
"can i just be myself?"
"what will it take to be satisfied?"
and they dress for success, or so they believe, selling their bodies for a drop of approval, recognition, attention, and love. but they are never filled. it is not enough!
no, girls, we will never be filled. i feel what you feel! we are in this together! and even the right way is hard. but i believe emphatically that NOTHING on earth that we think we want or need will satisfy us. ever.
girls, we are designed with a longing for intimacy and love. we crave that approval and acceptance beyond all else. but when we receive it from humans it is not all that we thought it would be, and we are still empty. scripture points to this a few times. for now:
in Genesis, after adam and eve sinned, there was a curse placed on mankind upon his exit from the garden of Eden. for the ladies, it went something like this:
to the woman He (God) said, "I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." Genesis 3.16
our desire is for husbands, for a noble man who will make it his chief aim to love and cherish us and bring us closer to Christ's place for women who follow Him. for a man who will provide, and keep us safe, and hold us, and guide us into holiness. for a man who we can then turn our love towards in respect, admiration, and nurturing -- with encouragement to better him as a disciple of Christ. this girls, is within our heart's desire. at least within mine. (and i think you'll agree)
but, there aren't too many happily-ever-after fairytale-love-stories floating around out there. this is a perfect example of what God meant when he said, 'your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." listen girls: we'll never get what we want.
at least not like we think we will. we crave something that men do not crave and therefore have no power to fulfill, it is our frustration as women on the earth. it is the result of our deep sin nature.
but it is also a mark of who we are as God's beautiful creation that we crave something deeper than humanity can ever fill. ladies, our deepest longings are for God alone. and let me tell you with experiential knowledge: God is ENOUGH.
i promise. you've heard it before but i will tell you again, God is the only one who can EVER satisfy us at our deepest points. and He is big enough to do so every day of our lives.
and i am just coming to learn this for myself. i didn't believe it either! but here i am, and i have nothing that i want, have wanted, or have asked for.
and yet i am satifsied.
wait for it. guard your hearts. pursue Christ's love. it is worth it.
-- peace sisters --
1) in obvious facts we are dealing with humanity which = sin. ok i understand that.
but . . .
2) we are digging ourselves deeper. and i don't mean for a better swimming pool. oh no. we'll be buried alive.
i see girls, crying out vocally, in writing, and in actions -- for love. for something more than their fathers, their brothers, or their boyfriends are giving or could ever give.
these girls' names are . . .
"do you think i'm beautiful?"
"am i valuable to you? to anyone?"
"will you love me unconditionally?"
"can i just be myself?"
"what will it take to be satisfied?"
and they dress for success, or so they believe, selling their bodies for a drop of approval, recognition, attention, and love. but they are never filled. it is not enough!
no, girls, we will never be filled. i feel what you feel! we are in this together! and even the right way is hard. but i believe emphatically that NOTHING on earth that we think we want or need will satisfy us. ever.
girls, we are designed with a longing for intimacy and love. we crave that approval and acceptance beyond all else. but when we receive it from humans it is not all that we thought it would be, and we are still empty. scripture points to this a few times. for now:
in Genesis, after adam and eve sinned, there was a curse placed on mankind upon his exit from the garden of Eden. for the ladies, it went something like this:
to the woman He (God) said, "I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." Genesis 3.16
our desire is for husbands, for a noble man who will make it his chief aim to love and cherish us and bring us closer to Christ's place for women who follow Him. for a man who will provide, and keep us safe, and hold us, and guide us into holiness. for a man who we can then turn our love towards in respect, admiration, and nurturing -- with encouragement to better him as a disciple of Christ. this girls, is within our heart's desire. at least within mine. (and i think you'll agree)
but, there aren't too many happily-ever-after fairytale-love-stories floating around out there. this is a perfect example of what God meant when he said, 'your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." listen girls: we'll never get what we want.
at least not like we think we will. we crave something that men do not crave and therefore have no power to fulfill, it is our frustration as women on the earth. it is the result of our deep sin nature.
but it is also a mark of who we are as God's beautiful creation that we crave something deeper than humanity can ever fill. ladies, our deepest longings are for God alone. and let me tell you with experiential knowledge: God is ENOUGH.
i promise. you've heard it before but i will tell you again, God is the only one who can EVER satisfy us at our deepest points. and He is big enough to do so every day of our lives.
and i am just coming to learn this for myself. i didn't believe it either! but here i am, and i have nothing that i want, have wanted, or have asked for.
and yet i am satifsied.
wait for it. guard your hearts. pursue Christ's love. it is worth it.
-- peace sisters --
9.18.2006
sigh with relief. things are back to good.
because girl's weekends are incredible! i just got back last night from a trip to Boston with my two sister/cousins. to the Sisterhood of the Cousins! we shout. it was an amazing time of fellowship, fun, and laughter. you too!
sigh. so many good memories will stay with me forever from the last 5 days. and though my decisions about the future have not been made, i am closer to peace and things are back to good in my soul. i still don't know anything. but i hope in Christ. He is. amazing, isn't it?
**************************************************
'do you not say, "there are yet four months, and then comes the harvest? behold, i say to you, life up your eyes and look on the the fields, that they are white for harvest. already he who reaps is receiving wages and is gathering fruit for life eternal; so that he who sows and he who reaps may rejoice together. i sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored an dyou have entered into their labor." ' John 4.35-38.
september. october. november. december.
january. then comes the harvest? no. it's here. i'm done with waiting for january to let God work in my life. there are things to be doing now.
and i tried to upload pictures from Boston, but to no avail. maybe later. peace!
sigh. so many good memories will stay with me forever from the last 5 days. and though my decisions about the future have not been made, i am closer to peace and things are back to good in my soul. i still don't know anything. but i hope in Christ. He is. amazing, isn't it?
**************************************************
'do you not say, "there are yet four months, and then comes the harvest? behold, i say to you, life up your eyes and look on the the fields, that they are white for harvest. already he who reaps is receiving wages and is gathering fruit for life eternal; so that he who sows and he who reaps may rejoice together. i sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored an dyou have entered into their labor." ' John 4.35-38.
september. october. november. december.
january. then comes the harvest? no. it's here. i'm done with waiting for january to let God work in my life. there are things to be doing now.
and i tried to upload pictures from Boston, but to no avail. maybe later. peace!
9.11.2006
i only stopped. . . . .to look.
this goes out to all of those
who extend their arms of open love
to me upon me blowing my nose.
out come all my flowing tears
upon their shirts and couches and homes
they listen intently to all my fears.
this one's for you, my dearest friends
opening hearts and homes and minds
and pushing me straight when i start to bend.
thank you for laughs! and thank you for love
thank you for food and for warmth and for prayers
of your friendship: i can't get enough.
***********
oh and thanks for the tissues. it means the world. peace out.
who extend their arms of open love
to me upon me blowing my nose.
out come all my flowing tears
upon their shirts and couches and homes
they listen intently to all my fears.
this one's for you, my dearest friends
opening hearts and homes and minds
and pushing me straight when i start to bend.
thank you for laughs! and thank you for love
thank you for food and for warmth and for prayers
of your friendship: i can't get enough.
***********
oh and thanks for the tissues. it means the world. peace out.
9.10.2006
and the word in the morning is. . .
believe.
as Shane & Shane put it in one of their songs,
'can't you just believe?'
for me today, this is what i need. to just believe. want to believe with me?
as Shane & Shane put it in one of their songs,
'can't you just believe?'
for me today, this is what i need. to just believe. want to believe with me?
9.08.2006
taking time.
because decisions are big, and scary. because i'm seriously rethinking everything. because i thought i'd went through all of this already! goodness.
it is indeed a good thing for me that God promises to be near. it's true that His nearness to me is my only good.
i wish someone would just tell me what i should do, and make me do it. i think i could be happy. i wish God would just tell me what i should do, and make me do it. then i'd be really happy.
perhaps He has. perhaps He's waiting. perhaps it's my turn.
and what i thought i wanted? i realized this week that it scares me more than i thought it did. and i'm trying to get out of it. devising ways to go elsewhere, and be happier. why am i even going?
ask me some questions, i will tell you no lies. i need to face myself and deal with this.
give me some time to slow myself down,
and i will resolve within
quieting riotous belligerent lies
and listening.
is it fear? is it truth? is this the way i am?
or is running what you'd call this
and should i stay. . . and go?
my resources, but i gave them away
and emptier of control
i'm left, in riches of stress and sand
remembering.
remind me when i forget You!
remind me when i'm lost
bring me back this first place
and speak
in the silence
in the darkness
in the sunshine
speak volumes
i'll be silent
in darkness
or in sunshine
i will attempt to never again
malign Your character
with my 'defining' phrases.
You're still too deep for words.
it is indeed a good thing for me that God promises to be near. it's true that His nearness to me is my only good.
i wish someone would just tell me what i should do, and make me do it. i think i could be happy. i wish God would just tell me what i should do, and make me do it. then i'd be really happy.
perhaps He has. perhaps He's waiting. perhaps it's my turn.
and what i thought i wanted? i realized this week that it scares me more than i thought it did. and i'm trying to get out of it. devising ways to go elsewhere, and be happier. why am i even going?
ask me some questions, i will tell you no lies. i need to face myself and deal with this.
give me some time to slow myself down,
and i will resolve within
quieting riotous belligerent lies
and listening.
is it fear? is it truth? is this the way i am?
or is running what you'd call this
and should i stay. . . and go?
my resources, but i gave them away
and emptier of control
i'm left, in riches of stress and sand
remembering.
remind me when i forget You!
remind me when i'm lost
bring me back this first place
and speak
in the silence
in the darkness
in the sunshine
speak volumes
i'll be silent
in darkness
or in sunshine
i will attempt to never again
malign Your character
with my 'defining' phrases.
You're still too deep for words.
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