::a scene from the venerable Mr. Dickens::

“First, Sissy, do you know what I am? I am so proud and so hardened, so confused and troubled, so resentful and unjust to everyone and to myself, that everything is stormy, dark, and wicked to me. Does that not repel you?”

“No!”

“I am so unhappy, and all that should have made me otherwise is so laid waste, that if I had been bereft of sense to this hour, and instead of being as learned as you think me had to begin to acquire the simplest truths, I could not want a guide to peace, contentment, hounour, all the good of which I am quite devoid, more abjectly than I do. Does that not repel you?”

“No!”

In the innocence of her brave affection, and the brimming up of her old devoted spirit, the once deserted girl shone like a beautiful light upon the darkness of the other.

Louisa raised the hand that it might clasp her neck and join its fellow there. She fell upon her knees, and, clinging to this stroller’s child, looked up at her almost with veneration.

“Forgive me, pity me, help me! Have compassion on my great need, and let me lay this head of mine upon a loving heart!”

“Oh lay it here!” cried Sissy. “Lay it here, my dear.”

--From Hard Times

I am reading through hard times for the sake of my British Literature class. At first I was a tad miffed at Dickens for being so incredibly wordy, but by and by this story had made its way into my heart; lo and behold it contains a picture of Christ to me!
In this scene (for those of you unfamiliar with the book) are Louisa (Gradgrind) Bounderby and Sissy (no last name). Louisa has been bred to be one of imminent pride in her independence, hardness, and perpetual ability to settle with the facts and avoid feelings of all kinds. Sissy, growing up with a father in the circus who abandoned her at a young age, had been taken in by the Gradgrind family while Louisa was still living in the house. Louisa resented Sissy's ability to bear away from the facts into soft feelings, because she seemed never able to enter into the emotion of life as Sissy could. Sissy, the picture of innocence (although ignorance as well) never stooped to repay Louisa with anything of the kind, and even states earlier in the scene that she had "always loved" Louisa, and "have always wished that" she "should know it."
Louisa, in her darkest hour after a confession to her father of being horrendously unhappy in the way he has raised her, and even being tempted to adultery against her husband (Mr. Bounderby) by a charming young newcomer, is stopped at the old home of her youth, with the kindhearted Sissy to care for her. But before Louisa will allow her into her heart, she makes the confessions above.
I feel that we, when coming to Christ, must first acknowledge to ourselves and to him, the kinds of things that Louisa admits to Sissy. That we are proud, and so hardened, and so confused and troubled, so resentful and unjust to everyone to to ourselves. That everything is stormy, dark, and wicked to us. I see us turning to Christ hesitantly and asking: "Does that not repel you?"

He says "No!"

Liberated from our first set of chains, we are strengthened to continue, for the sake of total freedom in front of our Lord; the one who has come to comfort us MUST know all our troubles before His help will be of effect. We go on: we are so unhappy, and everything happy to us is laid waste, devoid of all good, peace, contentment, and honor....does that not repel You, Jesus?

He says a resounding and sincere "No!"

Jesus, with brave affection, and a devoted spirit brimming up within Him, once deserted by us, now shines: the beautiful light upon the darkness of our otherness.

Finally, seeing the purity of Christ's love, we can fall to our knees and cry out:

"Forgive me, pity me, help me! Have compassion on my great need, and let me lay this head of mind upon a loving heart!"

And how does Jesus respond?

"OH LAY IT HERE!" he cries. "Lay it here, my dear."

Isn't He lovely?

::Manfred::

"Look on me! there is an order
of mortals on the earth, who do become
Old in their youth, and die ere middle age,
Without the violence of warlike death;
Some perishing of pleasure, some of study,
Some worn with toil, some of mere weariness,
Some of disease, and some insanity,
And some of wither'd or of broken hearts;
For this last is a malady which slays
More than are number'd in the lists of Fate,
Taking all shapes and bearing many names.
Look upon me! for even of all these things
Have I partaken; and of all these things,
One were enough; then wonder not that I
Am what I am, but that I ever was,
Or having been, that I am still on earth." (Lines 138-154)

The way of life seems to be to grow up fast but die before maturity can be useful, dying without meaning. Where is the passion of life that drives people to true life? So that one might die, not of the pleasure or the 'mere weariness' Byron speaks of, but die in the moment life fully lived? Then we would not so much wonder at people's dull lives and ponder existence, but might appreciate the depth of true life.

"We are all the fools of time and terror: Days
Steal on us and steal from us; yet we live,
Loathing our life, and dreading still to die. x
In all the days of this detested yoke --
This vital weight upon the struggling heart,
Which sinks with sorrow, or beats quick with pain,
or joy that ends in agony or faintness --
in all the days of past and future, for
in life there is no present, we can number
How few, how less than few, wherein the soul
Forbears to pant for death, and yet draws back
As from a stream in winter, though the chill
Be but a moment's. " (Lines 164-177)

This is well stated - days keep sneaking up on us and overtaking us; and they take from us energy, passion, and excitement, yet though bitter towards life we live on, and will not do otherwise, fearing to die. Some days we think it might be easier to die so as to be finished with "the troubles of the world," certainly for Christians we have hope to go "home to live with God, but something keeps us living.

All of Manfred that I have read (which is only some excerpts), lends to the discussion of the meaning of life. Manfred seems to feel that he has reached a spiritual plane that most do not attain to in life, and it gives him a mystic power by which to summon spirits and get his way, and eventually, to choose the moment of his death. It's very interesting, and beautifully written by Byron. It's making me think about the cynicism on life we hear so frequently, yet those that seem to despise their existence would never think to end it with suicide, most likely due to fear. I'm not advising that people sick of life should kill themselves, that's a horrible idea: but it's the same sentiment as those uninformed voters or citizens who don't vote at all yet still gripe about the way the country is run ... if you're not doing your part to make something better, do you really have room to complain about how bad it is?

I don't think so. The same with life: if you are not actively working to make your life BETTER, what gives you the right to complain about how poorly it is going? Because things don't just happen to you, leaving you as a victim in this traumatic experience of living: we all have been given power over our own lives to choose our course. So I would venture to say that if your life is despicable too you, you're probably not free from blame. Do you hate your job? Find another one. Or change your attitude. Did you know that you can improve your mental happiness by some ridiculously high percentage if you train yourself to think positively? But that's not all ... I think the whole thing is summed up in Christ, that even if you have been the victim of something that makes life awful, in Jesus there is freedom from guilt, healing from abuse and trauma, and power for changing and moving on.

Wouldn't it be a legacy of faith to die at the apex of life? That no matter how long you live, your life keeps getting better than it was before, always deeper into the Life of God, culminating in death and eternity with God?

If you're hopeless, consider this: you don't have to be. The quality of your life (starting spiritually, then working out to every area of life) is in your hands.

do it all, or nothing at all.

:: with my whole heart ::

The phrase of the season. The call of the Lover. The challenge of the beloved.

This has been a phrase heavy on my heart for a few weeks now, ever since Lindz and I did another silent retreat in Hocking Hills. The sense is that for too long I've been half-assing this thing we call "Christianity", that I've been doing it, and maybe doing all the right things, but where has my heart been?


I'm in a British Lit class this quarter, and we just got done reading Wordsworth. In the middle of a horrifically long and seemingly-pointless poem (Tintern Abbey) there is a most beautiful phrase that captured my attention:

...more like a man flying from that which he dreads,
than one who sought the thing that he loved....

In thinking about these verses, I find that they apply to my walk with the Lord, and pretty much every facet of life. I have been running into Jesus because I dread the things that are chasing me....the sure-brokenness of a life without Christ, the pain of sin, the failure of leaving the faith. So I ran AWAY from those things, not really caring what I was running to except for the fact the it would save me. But the heart there is wrong, yes the direction is right, but the motivation is fear. That won't do, God has not given us a spirit of fear.
So I see that Wordsworth is right, the only way to run to Christ is to seek Him as that which I love with my whole heart, and to run to Him for His inherent beauty, not even caring what may or may not be behind me, scorning any loss, and trusting God to save me even when I do fail.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I wanted to post about it while it was still fresh. Perhaps there is more to come. For now, homework!!!!! .....with my whole heart?

wouldn't it be cool....

call me dreamer, call me foolish, call me whatever fits your view of me, it doesn't matter what you think of me, I AM has called me loved.

tell me stories, dream up 'wisdom', guide me strictly to your mission for me, i will end up into elsewhere, i will end up where HE IS.

look down on me if you want to, talk bad about me if you need to, I will run the way of His commandments and delight myself in Christ.

That's just the way it is.

~~~~~

Wouldn't it be cool ... to have a huge house and adopt a ton of kids who were abandoned, neglected, unloved, not provided for ... to show them the love of Christ through family and set them on their feet to move on?

Or wouldn't it be cool to foster kids, to catch kids at that rough stage around puberty where life is crazy uncertain even in good families, and to influence them in a positive direction toward Christ by loving them well?

Wouldn't it be cool to have that house be on a ton of land, to have other outbuildings and cottage-type places and open it up as a hospitality center, a place where people can come and rest, receive wisdom and experience the peace and love of God, and be refreshed by fellowship to go back into the world?

Wouldn't it be cool ... to teach in this home and this hospitality center things like music, art, *spanish (I'm just trying to find a way to fit this in, lol), bible, and other things ... that it would be a place where people (the adopted/fostered kids as well as guests) could experiment within themselves and find their giftings?

Wouldn't it be cool to take the money that the government gives foster families for the kids care and put it away in a savings account for that child, so that they have something to help them through college?

Wouldn't it be cool to have a place where random people could feel perfectly at home on holidays when they don't have family to go home to?

Wouldn't it be cool, since I have been blessed to know God as my home, to reach out and be a home to others?

To me ... these things would be SO COOL. In some fashion I hope to walk through all of these cool things during my life: God is totally big enough for dreams!

Joachim, from Germany, worked as a piano builder,
29 years old:

"To see girls who have been through so much trauma
and abuse now with good self-esteem and dreaming again
about the future is one of the most beautiful things
I've ever seen."

a new era - general update on life

The small group I've belonged to for 3 years was also the fellowship group of my dear friend Sarah. Sarah and I have grown quite close in this past year especially, as God put us together when we each needed a Christ-following, female friend. Since we've become almost inseparable, people have taken to calling us "skara" (Sarah + Kara), and as much as we are each trying to follow God independently of each other, somehow at the end of this summer we both realized God was calling us out of this particular group a fellowship into something new.

Our last Tuesday with the Young Adult group was also the 'recognition' Tuesday for a set of new assistant leaders that Chris brought on, Mark and Tara. We all kind of laughed that with "Skara" leaving and Tara coming, it was a new "era" (-ara) in the life of the small group.

Play on words, I know. But I needed an opening story and I find it humorous.

Anyways, that is one season in life that has come to an end for me, the season being involved with that church. I've started going to my parents church in Lancaster, and am so enjoying the people and environment there, and waiting for God to show me how to get involved.

Also, school starts on Wednesday, which I'm really looking forward to. I'm taking Spanish 450 (my last pre-req!!!! praise God!), Hebrew 241 (not a language class, but a culture GEC), and English 202. Lord willing, this time next year I will be entering my last quarter of college.

This leads me to throw around options of how to do life for the next 15-16 months. Do I continue working where I've worked for over a year, a job that I love with people I'm quite fond of, where I've experienced God's favor in amazing ways? That would mean I continue to take only classes that fit my work schedule, vastly limiting my college experience. The other option is to find another job at the end of the year (a thought that is daunting, though a little exciting) that would let me work a few nights and Saturdays so that I could take morning classes? That would open up an entirely different world of options for my academic career, and it's what I'm leaning towards.

All of these new eras -- thinking about what to do post-graduation, thinking about how to spend time now, wanting to volunteer different places, meet new people, serve people in need, share the love of Christ: wanting to get out of myself and into the world and see what God does with me. I don't care if it's cleaning toilets or singing harmony, or teaching children, or smiling at strangers: I just want to be obedient, and to be useful.

This is a new era. All of this time since DTS has been quite introspective, trying to figure out what's still wrong with me that needs fixing, why my brain has been giving me grief, where God is leading me ... all very me-centered. God's bringing a new season into life, one I'm so thankful for! - I still don't know what it looks like but I'm stoked to move on.

So, in large part I wanted to write because I haven't written for some time, and there's a chance that someone still reads this (Sarah -- you don't count, you know me inside and out already!) ... if you're reading, hey! Welcome! And thanks. Shoot me an email and let me know how life is in your world....

in Christ,
Kara

I'm dyslexic.

I’m dyslexic. I’m sure of it actually, well no that’s really a lie. But it feels like I am some days! The more I work with sets of 4 and 5 digit numbers (account numbers at work), having to write them after seeing them on a screen, or having to type them after looking at a piece of paper, the more it seems like I keep jumbling them up and just switching the numbers, always ending up at the wrong account. It’s so odd, because I’m a great reader and speller, so I know it’s not really true, but just today when I tried to access my blog I typed in psalm72-38, not 73-28. Simple switch, but there’s a world of a difference.

I probably do this with God too… you know, He gives me one set of information and I make one subtle substitution that maybe I don’t even notice, but then I end up at a completely different spot than I had expected. I’m left wondering, oh my, how did we get HERE?

Take quiet times, ‘por ejemplo’ (hehe, I’ll work in some Spanish yet!). Of late time has been shorter than I’d like, but I still try to spend some time in the word each day. But in all areas of life right now, although I have a strong sense that God is near, I do not feel Him break through into my day. I’ve had so many mountain top experiences that sometimes I feel entitled to them … but the presence of God is always a gift, never a duty. So I guess my question is, is this the positioning of the Lord to have me where I don’t feel Him (for His unknown to me glory), or is it a form of spiritual dyslexia? Am I just getting myself a tad jumbled trying to sort through everything, therefore leaving me just missing the direct connection? It’s like those annoying computer cords to devices, the ones where you don’t know which hole it goes into in the back so you just have to keep trying to find the perfect connection. I’m trying to plug myself in to Jesus with a solid connection, but all of the ports are either in use, temporarily broken, or untried.

None of the normal ports are working. I’ve been plugged in before, but the connection is bad right now, and sometimes I try to go wireless, but I wasn’t made with a wireless card, so that doesn’t work either. I know that here I am, the device, and there God is; the master computer, and that there is/are cord(s) that go from Him to me, me to Him. Either I don’t have the right cord, or I just haven’t found the right place to plug in.

I guess it’s not quite spiritual dyslexia, not in the way I explained it at least. But it’s where I’m at. I don’t like it one bit!!! Fortunately for me, God is far more committed to my ‘success’ than I am: “Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.” –1 Thessalonians 5.24
Thank God, He will come and fix my connection problems, in His good time.

From:The Confessions of Saint Augustine

                          CHAPTER IV

    4.  What, therefore, is my God?  What, I ask, but the Lord
God?  "For who is Lord but the Lord himself, or who is God besides
our God?"[13]  Most high, most excellent, most potent, most
omnipotent; most merciful and most just; most secret and most
truly present; most beautiful and most strong; stable, yet not
supported; unchangeable, yet changing all things; never new, never
old; making all things new, yet bringing old age upon the proud,
and they know it not; always working, ever at rest; gathering, yet
needing nothing; sustaining, pervading, and protecting; creating,
nourishing, and developing; seeking, and yet possessing all
things.  Thou dost love, but without passion; art jealous, yet
free from care; dost repent without remorse; art angry, yet
remainest serene.  Thou changest thy ways, leaving thy plans
unchanged; thou recoverest what thou hast never really lost.  Thou
art never in need but still thou dost rejoice at thy gains; art
never greedy, yet demandest dividends.  Men pay more than is
required so that thou dost become a debtor; yet who can possess
anything at all which is not already thine?  Thou owest men
nothing, yet payest out to them as if in debt to thy creature, and
when thou dost cancel debts thou losest nothing thereby.  Yet, O
my God, my life, my holy Joy, what is this that I have said?  What
can any man say when he speaks of thee?  But woe to them that keep
silence -- since even those who say most are dumb.

(http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/ipb-e/epl-01/agcon-02.txt)

Precious.

"You cannot show the preciousness of a person by being happy with his gifts. Ingratitude will certainly prove that the giver is not loved. But gratitude for gifts does not prove that the giver is precious. What proves that the giver is precious is the glad-hearted readiness to leave all his gifts to be with him. This is why suffering is so central in the mission of the church. The goal of our mission is that people form the nations worship the true God. But worship means cherishing the preciousness of God above all else, including life itself. It will be very hard to bring the nations to love God from a lifestyle that communicates a love of things. Therefore, God ordains in the lives of his messengers that suffering sever our bondage to the world. When joy and love survive this severing, we are fit to say to the nations with authenticity and power: hope in God."
-John Piper, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, 109
(emphasis added)
"Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5.11-12

What is precious? To you, personally; to me? What has highest value in our lives, what is our deepest longing, our determined goal? I examine my heart, and find ashamedly that Jesus is not precious to me. Not really, deep down, beautifully precious.

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it."
-Jesus, Matthew 13.44-46

Worthy. Worth every sacrifice, worth complete surrender, worth it.

Sell-outs. Misfits. Counter-cultural. Not mainstream. Stupidly generous. Ridiculously joy-filled.

In love.

Isn't this what we should be called?

Prisoners. Persecuted. Hated. Despised.

Isn't this what we should be?

If Jesus is precious, if He and His kingdom have highest value in the universe, how does that change our hearts?

The Dance

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Dance, HarperSanFrancisco, 2001

The Call

I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.
There's no safety in that!

Remember what you are and let this knowing
take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are and let a deeper knowing
colour the shape of your humanness.

There is no where to go. What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.

There is no waiting for something to happen,
no point in the future to get to.
All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.

You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.
Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this?
Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying.
Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-mad,
faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close,
dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.
When it finds you, give your life to it. Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.
Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Call, Harper Collins, 2003

Thoughts on simplicity, from a book.

These are not original, but I hope you enjoy anyways. :)

“When I imagine my own life simple and uncomplicated, I picture my room and desk tidy, everything in its place. I myself am moving gracefully and graciously from one task to the next with precision, on schedule but with no strain or pressure. The schedule and the tasks are perfectly synchronized. It could all be so simple, I say to myself, if everything were only in its place.

But it isn’t. It’s complicated. It’s complicated because people don’t stay in place. They aren’t predictable, they foul up my schedule, they interfere with my agenda, they make demands I hadn’t programmed. It’s complicated because there is too much to do, too many tasks, too many needs, too much going on. I can’t keep up with it all; I’m always at least a step or two behind. I can’t do everything that needs to be done; I feel burdened, sometimes even guilty, for being so limited. And I think maybe I’m doing it wrong, and if I could just figure out how to do it right I’d be able to meet everyone’s needs. It’s complicated because there’s never enough time. In my anxiety to conquer time by controlling its dispensation, I feel myself victimized by it. I am unable to find time, take time, get time: all control words.

Mostly what I find is frustration. My life is out of control I feel a need to be in control of my life and all the factors, situations, and people that complicate it. I set myself over-against them and need to dominate them, to subject them to my agenda, fit them into my program. I do have an agenda, and I don’t want it interrupted. i set up my day and I offer it to God.

But there’s something wrong in the picture. When I imagine - or when I experience - the simple way, everything moves in a rhythm. There is AN AGENDA, and I’m in tune with it, but it’s not my creation. I don’t need to worry about controlling; I don’t need to be anxious that it won’t all work out. I’m not in command and don’t need to be…the interruptions are as integral to the scene as anything I had planned. I only receive the day and the program that come to me during the day from God. And that’s what makes the difference.” (Elaine Prevallet, Reflections on Simplicity, 3-4)

Return to Chico

free.

School's out for a little while, I try not to think about just how long because that's a tad depressing: my summer class starts July 21st. But for now, I'm not in school, don't have homework, don't have to be on campus: it's beautiful.

I celebrated by spontaneously going to California last week. It was really last minute and kind of crazy figuring out details, but God worked it all out amazingly! I re-visited the YWAM base where I did my DTS last year, saw a lot of people there who are on staff, saw my friend Mike from Sacramento, and Andria from Hayward, and even was able to drive into southern Oregon to see Chantelle and surprise my roommate Streuber. It was really relaxing and just a blessing to see these people and be encouraged by their hearts, as well as to not have schoolwork or work-work to think about for 6 days...I came back late Wednesday night to a piddly 2 days of work, and they had kept up my stuff beautifully so even that wasn't stressful!

yup, I think the word here is 'mellow'.

got to think a lot, pray some, read some, journal a lot, and rest. everything's changing, and it's hard to keep up, but God let me catch my breath last week.

more to come, and pictures.

i am invisible.

At least, that's what gmail keeps telling me. Right on the homepage of my inbox it says so:

"you are invisible."

and then it gives me this nifty option to "go visible". ha. as if, after 21 years of being visible, i would wish to abandon invisibility after 24 hours. not likely.

sometimes i wish i was invisible. on the freeway this could come particularly in handy ... speeding along without a care in the world on the shoulder of bumper-to-bumper traffic: yes that would be lovely.
right now i don't think that being invisible would actually help with my weekend projects: i don't see invisibility helping me write these papers or get out of them.

no, it seems i am stuck: visible, and with deadlines. drat.

moving on

"This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."

or will i? wow, when i stop to think of this line that just came to me ... what an incredible concept. simple, but significant.

i think that God is revealing to me that i am not 'moving on' as He would desire. i have been living in the past, trying to resurrect the 'dead' - DTS. but it's not coming back. i'm not going back to DTS, ever. that time will never be alive again, and that experience if over, put to bed.

i'm not so good with moving on, though. i love to hold on to the good of the past, the great experiences that i've had, or the memories of something good. but life goes on, and God is calling: come. come. come. come. it's continual. it's moving. it's movement. perpetual, consistent, necessary.

more to come on this, as it is just coming to mind.

This Weekend.

Hello.

I know that you are all waiting, with great anticipation, to find out why this weekend (of all the weekends there are) shall prove to be so special in my life.

No, I'm not getting married.
No, I don't have a date.
No, I haven't found a church.
umm...what else?
No, I'm not going roller-skating.
No, I'm not going to a theme park (I don't like rollercoasters, remember?)
No, I'm not going anywhere.

This weekend, my big brother and his lovely wife are moving to Ohio from Denver! Yup! That's the excitement around here.
Of course, tonight I'm going to a play with a friend, tomorrow planting trees, having lunch with another friend, and going to another play; sunday I'll go to church somewhere, and go to a choir concert, and do stats homework...
So as you can see there are other exciting things going on. But the main event:

Yup. Here they come!!!

closer to done!

Today I completed one part of the requirement for my Spanish class.

Crazy enough, this is an Honors 400-level Spanish class (and I'm a Spanish major, if you didn't know) and it is the easiest class maybe so far in my college career. That's saying something. Because I've had classes where the teachers throw candy at you just for raising your hands, and classes where all I had to do was sing beautiful songs, and classes that I almost slept through and did well in. It's just ironic, I guess, that it's an Honors class. and cake-walk-ish. :)

Anyways, today I did a presentation on reflexive verbs, and it went really well. Taking chips and salsa and candy didn't hurt my approval ratings with the crowd, but even my Prof (good ole Javier) commented that I did a very nice job. yay! Now all that's left (seriously, ALL that is left) is to finish this paper on the same subject email it to him!

So allow me to list below the requirements for this honors class:

homework, that Javier only checked for completion, and not correctness. 5-6 problems 2x a week.
one 20-minute presentation, in Spanish OR English (i mixed my languages)
one paper on the same subject as the presentation.


that's it. can you believe this?! I love it. and it's been such a fun class, with really nice people, i like to think we've bonded. but we probably haven't. oh well, i'll still take snacks to them....

have a great weekend. this coming one may prove to be on of the most exciting of my life...more to come on this.

kara

4 out of 5 Kara's hate stats labs...

that isn't original. meaning, i didn't come up with that saying ... a friend came up with it in response to my 'status' on gmail today. :) it's not quite true, but it's fun because i happen to be in stats lab as i write. i don't hate it, i just would rather be at home.

i am really done with this quarter. which is too bad in the sense that i have 2 1/2 weeks to go, a few tests, a few papers, a few presentations. and my heart is ELSEWHERE. where? hmm.... i don't know.

option 1: Chico, CA. sometimes i close my eyes and see the streets, the places, the faces. i miss it ... and sometimes i wish i was there.
option 2: Guatemala. yeah ... it's pretty there. :) but to be there would be quite hard work, i know.
option 3: Columbus, OH. it's lame, i know...because it's so dang normal. but my heart is here in a lot of ways, with people, at OSU, at work ... physically, geographically, i'm here.

within option 3, there are more options! always options in my life. here in OH, my heart is sometimes:
1: at OSU - because God has me here getting a degree.
2: Speaking Spanish somewhere -- this hasn't happened yet but i think of it often.
3: with an unknown group of believers - unknown to me in that i have left my church and am looking to see where the Lord will lead me for fellowship.

today i wanted to give it all up. memories of Chico and DTS give me thoughts of going back and staffing, or doing a BLS so i can lead on DTS's. plus, there is a greater percentage of spanish speakers in CA than in Ohio. and what am i doing learning spanish anyways? i don't have a plan for it, i don't have anywhere to go, i don't have a purpose. except for obedience. and the desire of my heart. i don't know what it's going to look like. school is almost done for the quarter, but it's still demanding and i would rather be doing other things.

Oh Lord....help me! i am a confused kid.

i'm sure you weren't quite looking for that when you stumbled onto this post. sorry. :) just a little honesty about the state of my heart on rainy days.

it's interesting that looking back always seems better than the present. There's a Sara Groves song, "Painting pictures of egypt" to this effect, that we always think of the past in rosy terms even knowing full well that the past had troubles of its own.
the chorus:

I've been painting pictures of Egypt,
leaving out what it lacks
because the future feels so hard and I want to go back...
but the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things i've learned,
and those roads were closed off to me
while my back was turned.

I don't know ... but it seems to me that everything is changing and if I'm paying attention I should be changing too.

so here goes.

um...if you read this, thanks. i appreciate your patience and desire to know my heart/mind!

love,
Kara


4:

a 're-defining' of key terms....

you know how those classes are, they start with the professor on the first day 'clarifying' and 'defining' terms, so everyone's on the same (correct) page.

i think we've missed something when it comes to defining. i think we see some words in the Bible and consider them in their definition from the dictionary. Don't get me wrong, dictionaries are great: but dictionaries define what words mean in human thought and language -- and human thought and language is quite fallible. One key word, or 'concept', is (with dictionary definition):

beauty -

1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness 2: a beautiful person or thing; especially : a beautiful woman3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance beauty>

we'll start small, because i've got a paper to write, and i'm sure you don't have all day. :)

Beauty. In American culture, beauty is physical, and there is a laundry list of ugly characteristics that we all try to avoid so that we can achieve beauty. I don't believe that the Lord defines beauty in this way. To the Lord, beauty is something entirely belonging to Him, and He gives it to His people. Psalm 149.4 reads: "For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation." So for someone to truly be beautiful, it must mean that the Lord has had His way with them in bringing them to repentance. To follow logically, the only beautiful people are saved people. And we all consider most of the "beautiful people" of the world (super-models, movie stars, celebrities) to be pretty loose and in general 'not-saved', therefore they must not truly be beautiful. chew on that.

All of my life I have done a poor job of defining beauty. i believe that it is time we re-defined this key word, and lived out of the biblical definition - that we call things for what God says they are. After all, He is the author of truth. And in this situation, He is the only true "beauty" to be found.

seeking beauty? try Jesus. he'll blow your mind.

Bendi

meet Bendi. It's short for "bendición," which is Spanish for "blessing."