::return to morbidity::

I'm re-reading through some old journal entries this morning. They are simultaneously encouraging and destructive: destructive in that they challenge my current mode of thought and are pulling up some hideous weeds from my soul, weeds that I was trying to call flowers. Do you ever do this? I do...I have weeds and I try to convince myself that they are flowers so that I won't have to call the Landscaper to come in and clean me up. Silly me, they're obviously thorny and full of thistles, and they are choking the good flowers. Anyways, that's not the thought for the morning.

Before DTS I got stuck on this "morbid" idea, but a very biblical one, and that is that we are both living (in Christ) and dying (to ourselves) every day. In the last months of 2006 I wrote numerous poems declaring that for me, going to DTS was a form of dying because my life here in Ohio would be dead and I would be re-born in California. Obviously, Christ calls us to come and die day by day to sin, to our flesh, and to the world, and to be alive to Christ. But this theme of death hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for a long time.

In my journal from 2007 post-DTS, I'm reading from the entries corresponding to my silent retreat of that year. Some lines that are striking to me:

"if I am not willing to die, I cannot live. And if I cannot live, I must die."

"But for now, I am young. I am growing always upward first, and must learn responsibility over lenght of days. For how you spend your days is, of course, how you spend your life."

"My experiences must be tested and prove to remain true through death before they can be used to give life. I cannot give what I do not have."

The fact of the matter is: we are called to die. This world is NOT our home, far be it from us to live as though it is all we are expecting to receive from the Lord. There is too much at stake for me to be wrapped and wound so tightly into what is happening around me, as far as I can see. I'm kind of short...God can see way farther than I can.

May I submit my sight always to the See-er...and may we be part of His people described in Revelation 14.1-5:

"Then I looked, and behold, the Lamb was standing on Mount zion, and with Him one hundred and forty-four thousand, having His name and the name of His Father written on their foreheads. And I heard a voice from heaven, like the sound of many waters and like the sound of loud thunder, and the voice which I heard was like the sound of harpists playing on their harps. And they sang a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and the elders; and no one could learn the song except the one hundred and forty-four thousand who had been purchased from the earth. These are the ones who have not been defiled with women, for they have kept themselves chaste. These are the ones who follow the Lamb wherever He goes. These have been purchased from among men as first fruits to God and to the lamb. And no lie was found in their mouth; they are blameless."

::psalm 116::

Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed when I said, "I am greatly afflicted" ... O Lord, surely I am Your servant, I am Your servant, the son of Your handmaid, You have loosed my bonds.
(Psalm 116.7-10, 16)

Rescue. What a beautiful concept, that of being rescued. The thing about rescue though, is that before you can be rescued, you have to need to be rescued. That is to say, you have to be in a position where rescue is your only option left. You have to already be in a position of neediness, affliction, captivity, suffering, etc. before rescue will make a difference.

For the psalmist, his soul was in death, his eyes were shedding ears, and his feet had already stumbled. It was there, in the dark place of affliction (and, possibly, the dark place of disobedience) that the Lord rescued him. But it's not that he never experienced the pain and sorrow of needing to be rescued, on the contrary; he could now appreciate more fully the rescue plan of the Lord because he actually needed to be rescued.

I avoid needing to be rescued. I don't like that feeling of utter helplessness, of knowing that unless God comes through in a big way I will be completely disheveled. But what if it's there that God's rescue is most glorious, what if I need to be in a position of needing rescue before I can experience and really appreciate the rescue?

::psalm 111::

"Praise the Lord! I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart, in the company of the upright and in the assembly. Great are the works of the Lord; they are studied by all who delight in them. Splendid and majestic is His work, and His righteousness endures forever. He has made His wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate.

He has given food to those who fear Him; He will remember His covenant forever.

He has made known to His people the power of his works, in giving them the heritage of the nations. The works of his hands are truth and justice; all His precepts are sure. They are upheld forever and ever; they are performed in truth and uprightness. He has sent redemption to His people; He has ordained His covenant forever; Holy and awesome is His name. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments; His praise endures forever."

I read this Psalm last week, after having read a middle section of scripture from John chapter 6. In verses 48-58 Jesus repeatedly refers to Himself either as food or drink, and I was struck when I read this Psalm that it is a type of prophecy about Christ. Read these words from John:

"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your fathers at the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread which comes down out of heaven so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down out of heaven; if anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread also which I will give for the life of the world is My flesh." (John 6.47-51)

When I read Psalm 111 a few days later, immediately my mind connected these two passages of scripture. Obviously, the Psalmist was talking about how the Lord provided the physical food for those who fear Him; that God literally was their provider of food to eat. Which is still true, in every sense, because everything we have comes from Him and that includes food. But what I was thinking, is that in a much deeper sense of the word, God provided food for us (for all generations) in Jesus: the spiritual food that we crave and that which alone will satisfy us. So, the psalmist, thousands of years before Christ, refers to this active generosity of the Lord to provide food for those who believe in Him, and now we see that the true food that God gives is in fact our good Savior, Jesus.

It amazed me this week to consider the original intent and time period of the psalmist, and then to see how Christ spoke of Himself and in doing so, fulfilled that verse. Cool stuff!

More to come from the Psalms, they are rocking my world.

::the quarter::

Here we are! It is Wednesday, February 4th, 2009. I am in the middle of the middle week of classes...my madre figured it out last week and I am 1/8th of the way finished with the rest of my college career. That's pretty exciting stuff! Also new this week, I learned that I am indeed in my last GEC (general education curriculum) course this quarter, and that after Winter Quarter is over, I will have 35 hours left to fill (which will be easy to fill with my major classes). And next week I get to schedule for Spring Quarter!

In general, I am very much enjoying this quarter. It is keeping me SO busy, there is a ton of reading for both my Linguistics and Spanish 560 class. When my friends call me and ask what I'm doing, I usually have them guess, and they normally get it right: "I'm reading."

But it's good for me to have to sort through (in my brain and heart) what is most important, and to devote first attention to those things before doing other things. I won't say that I'm really good at it, but it's a good challenge.

The Lord is really challenging me a lot to trust Him. It's been a really cool work that I can see notably, in that He is giving me direct opportunities to let go of my plans, fears, pre-conceived notions, and the ideals that I held that were not biblical; to let these all go and instead trust Him to lead me. I don't understand His ways, and this is something that is new because normally I can rationalize my way through to understanding at least a little of why He is doing what He is doing. But not this time. I just don't get Him! But, I love Him. And this journey is really fun....oddly enough I am coming to enjoy the occasional chaos.

You know those times when you are walking through something tough, but as much as you don't like the uncomfortable-ness, you really grow to cherish the work of the Lord in your heart? That's where I'm at. It's good. Not easy, but so good.

These are my random thoughts for the day. I hope all is well in your hearts and souls.

~k

::fear::

fear is debilitating
hold on, it's worth saying
i am strongly bound by all these things i fear

You say risks worth taking
are part of the kingdom's making
and though i fear, it should not be

how do i let go?
how do i give up?
are there words to say to make this better?
how do i look up
and let myself trust
how can pain be good at all?

responsibility brings
a certain level threat
that i've come to really dread
there's constant trembling

what if i try and fail?
what if i am no good?
it's these lies and more
that interrupt

how do i let go?
how do i give up?
are there words to say to make this better?
how do i look up
and let myself trust
how can pain be good at all?

--kara tindor 1.10.2009--