praying? feel like you see a picture from God or hear something from him? unsure to the meaning of it all? (does this sound like a heart-burn commercial yet?)
This happens to me, pretty often. Not going to lie. I feel like I hear or see something from God, but it's vague, the picture is fuzzy, or not complete. The scene ends too quickly, there's no resolution. No outcome. Or the words sound like mine, or confuse me, or don't hold meaning for my situation. What do I do? What do you do?
Here's what Daniel did:
"while I was contemplating . . . I kept looking until thrones were set up,"
He sees. He contemplates. And he doesn't back down, he doesn't leave, unsatisfied, but too lazy to wait like I am. He keeps looking. And he gets one of the sweetest visions of God recorded in the bible. I hope it inspires you to the glory of Jesus:
"I kept looking until thrones were set up, and the Ancient of Days took His seat; His vesture was white like snow and the hair of His head like pure wool. His throne was ablaze with flames, its wheels were a burning fire. A river of fire was flowing and coming out from before Him; thousands upon thousands were attending Him, and myriads upon myriads were standing before Him; the court sat, and the books were opened. Then I kept looking . . . and behold, with the clouds of heaven one like a Son of Man was coming, and He came up to the Ancient of Days and was presented before Him. And to Him was given dominion, glory and a kingdom, that all th epeoples, nations and men of every language might serve Him His dominion is an everlasting dominion which will not pass away; and His kingdom is one which will not be destroyed." (Daniel 7.8-14, emphasis mine)
I am encouraged that in this occurrence, Daniel ''kept looking'' three times (I left one out, feel free to read the whole thing). Makes me more steadfast to do the same.
So, confused about something you're hearing or seeing from the Lord? . . . I can't answer right now, I've got to go keep looking.
7.18.2007
a thought on enslavement
You know how some people seem to have power over you that you don't remember crowning them with?
Could be a parent you don't live with, someone you once loved, someone you hate, etc. . .
Well it really doesn't matter who it is, but you know as well as I do that when you look at things in the light, those people affect you negatively when you are with them. Now negatively is maybe the wrong word, maybe I'm thinking more ''without you wanting them to affect you". That's a little better. The point is, you're not yourself. You feel expectations stronger, you feel attached to a behavior you thought you had done off with. It can cause resentment, confusion, frustration: I know.
Who ever gave those people that power? I don't remember handing someone my heart and saying: "here, please take every occasion we are together and wreak havoc on my nervous system, I like it when my heart beats out of control and my legs shake." nope, I didn't ask.
So I was pondering, as I could not sleep for nickels, and began to read in 2 Peter. I believe the inspired words of God apply here:
"For speaking out arrogant words of vanity they entice by fleshly desires, by sensuality, those who barely escape from the ones who live in error, promising them freedom while they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved." (2 Peter 2.18-19)
I was struck with a meaning, from the word 'overcome', that's exactly what I've felt in this type of situation, that who I was and was most of the time was overcome, almost overridden, and someone else (unknowingly and probably not wanting to) had taken the reins. I read on, and realized that I've enslaved myself to these situations. I think by now it's how I expect to act in them. And so, I've subconsciously subjected myself to another person, who does not know it. It's really weird.
Ok ok, trying to get to the point here . . . Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to be enslaved all of my life. He wants me to be free, even more than I want to be free. And so I am on a quest for freedom. Guarding my heart, perhaps withdrawing where necessary, in general praying a heck of a lot more. Trying to see what the will of God is.
Are you enslaved? Don't be another moment. "It was for freedom that Christ set us free."
"If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free . . . truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever, the son does remain forever. So if the son makes you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8.32-36)
Could be a parent you don't live with, someone you once loved, someone you hate, etc. . .
Well it really doesn't matter who it is, but you know as well as I do that when you look at things in the light, those people affect you negatively when you are with them. Now negatively is maybe the wrong word, maybe I'm thinking more ''without you wanting them to affect you". That's a little better. The point is, you're not yourself. You feel expectations stronger, you feel attached to a behavior you thought you had done off with. It can cause resentment, confusion, frustration: I know.
Who ever gave those people that power? I don't remember handing someone my heart and saying: "here, please take every occasion we are together and wreak havoc on my nervous system, I like it when my heart beats out of control and my legs shake." nope, I didn't ask.
So I was pondering, as I could not sleep for nickels, and began to read in 2 Peter. I believe the inspired words of God apply here:
"For speaking out arrogant words of vanity they entice by fleshly desires, by sensuality, those who barely escape from the ones who live in error, promising them freedom while they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved." (2 Peter 2.18-19)
I was struck with a meaning, from the word 'overcome', that's exactly what I've felt in this type of situation, that who I was and was most of the time was overcome, almost overridden, and someone else (unknowingly and probably not wanting to) had taken the reins. I read on, and realized that I've enslaved myself to these situations. I think by now it's how I expect to act in them. And so, I've subconsciously subjected myself to another person, who does not know it. It's really weird.
Ok ok, trying to get to the point here . . . Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to be enslaved all of my life. He wants me to be free, even more than I want to be free. And so I am on a quest for freedom. Guarding my heart, perhaps withdrawing where necessary, in general praying a heck of a lot more. Trying to see what the will of God is.
Are you enslaved? Don't be another moment. "It was for freedom that Christ set us free."
"If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free . . . truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever, the son does remain forever. So if the son makes you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8.32-36)
7.14.2007
i love weekends.
The title of this post says what i really want to say. i love weekends. More than weekdays, as do most people.
Today, is Saturday. It was wonderful! i woke up, went for a run, cleaned my room, cleaned my desk off, watched most of Fargo, then played the guitar a little and read my bible. then . . .
i cleaned up and went to a wedding. Sarah Tinon, this very evening, married Matthew Smith. It was a lovely wedding, as lovely as Sarah herself. It just fit their whole family so well, i enjoyed myself immensely. Yay for weddings! and yay for Tinons too, they're swell people.
So it's saturday night, tomorrow i get to go to church. and spend the day with Jesus. i am just pretty pysched.
Today, is Saturday. It was wonderful! i woke up, went for a run, cleaned my room, cleaned my desk off, watched most of Fargo, then played the guitar a little and read my bible. then . . .
i cleaned up and went to a wedding. Sarah Tinon, this very evening, married Matthew Smith. It was a lovely wedding, as lovely as Sarah herself. It just fit their whole family so well, i enjoyed myself immensely. Yay for weddings! and yay for Tinons too, they're swell people.
So it's saturday night, tomorrow i get to go to church. and spend the day with Jesus. i am just pretty pysched.
7.13.2007
Where are you. i'm praying:
lights stay on all night in the harbor
to bring the boats home, love
i will stay right here, by this lonely ocean
my eyes a beacon for your journey
time and time again you could find me
were this to be the day we meet
every day i wake up to wishing
my heart is with you where you are
wherever that is . . .
danger on the seas, the redded sky is
warning me to watch and pray
knowing you alone could be drowning
crashed by breakers, storms and waves
someday you will know, for i will tell you
of all the nights i spent in tears
sitting on the sand of hopes and glory
a fire of hope to warm my spirits
to keep waiting for you . . .
to bring the boats home, love
i will stay right here, by this lonely ocean
my eyes a beacon for your journey
time and time again you could find me
were this to be the day we meet
every day i wake up to wishing
my heart is with you where you are
wherever that is . . .
danger on the seas, the redded sky is
warning me to watch and pray
knowing you alone could be drowning
crashed by breakers, storms and waves
someday you will know, for i will tell you
of all the nights i spent in tears
sitting on the sand of hopes and glory
a fire of hope to warm my spirits
to keep waiting for you . . .
7.12.2007
that's balderdash -- from Cake Day
Today was the second weekly Cake Day of the Ohio chapter. We had a great caked, shaped like the 'Great Wall' of China. Over cake we played Beyond Balderdash, and here are the results, both true and false; the best of tonight. Enjoy!
I.B.C.A. actually stands for the "International Brick Collectors Association." who collects bricks?
Chankings = "Food which is spit out such as olive pits, watermelon seeds, etc." but we also liked: "the sounds of horses' hooves on city owned pavement", "the rear flank scraps of livestock used in dog food."
Pinto Colvig (person): we liked "the inventor of pinto beans," and "a famous russian who ate chankings," and "a mexican-irish renegade who led the raid on gloucester in 1936."
"Ladies should Listen" (movie): our picks? "The story of 4 young co-eds en route to their spring break destination of Daytona Beach, Fla., who managed to arrive instead in Winnipeg, Manitoba." "A group of elderly women in a community knitting club "close their ears" to a new attender, Sylvia Rocktree, whose premonitions about the town drunk turn out to be 'dead-on'."
Nictitate = "the winking of the eye."
Levoduction = "the turning of the eye to the left."
Did you know that there are such societies as 'P.L.O.W.', which stands for Petunia Lovers of the World, and 'D.D.S.", Diving Dentists Society.
"Trollenberg Terror" (movie): "One-eyed aliens with octopus-like arms try to take over a small town in Switzerland." Other options? "A renegade trolley operator chooses random victims to run down in the streets of San Fransisco." "look out Trollenberg - Baby Hans has hit the terrible two's and his side splitting antics will have you howling for more." "The story of Hitler's mistress, whose botched plastic surgery leads to a retaliatory strike on the office where surgery was performed."
Ushabti (a word): we would like it to mean "a casserole consisting of deep fried sushi nuggets and steamed broccoli, and long wheat noodles." "a term used by superior indians for 'canoe'." "a mongolian favorite made from lamb flanks seasoned with field grass and butterfly wings, sauteed in llama spit."
"The Crime of Dr. Hallet" (movie): first filmed in 1938, this picture is about a jungle doctor who fakes his own disappearance by taking over a dead helper's identity. Our plot lines . . . "in this medical "who done it", Ben Thompson wakes from his amnesia to find a bomb installed instead of a pacemaker." "The good Dr. is called upon to extract chankings from a toddler's nasal passages, but neglects his duty to nictitate at the pretty nurse." "a crazed physician who goes on a mass murdering spree on his wealthy, unappreciative patients."
Nuzzling = "the sound commonly emitted by Camel."
There you have it.
I.B.C.A. actually stands for the "International Brick Collectors Association." who collects bricks?
Chankings = "Food which is spit out such as olive pits, watermelon seeds, etc." but we also liked: "the sounds of horses' hooves on city owned pavement", "the rear flank scraps of livestock used in dog food."
Pinto Colvig (person): we liked "the inventor of pinto beans," and "a famous russian who ate chankings," and "a mexican-irish renegade who led the raid on gloucester in 1936."
"Ladies should Listen" (movie): our picks? "The story of 4 young co-eds en route to their spring break destination of Daytona Beach, Fla., who managed to arrive instead in Winnipeg, Manitoba." "A group of elderly women in a community knitting club "close their ears" to a new attender, Sylvia Rocktree, whose premonitions about the town drunk turn out to be 'dead-on'."
Nictitate = "the winking of the eye."
Levoduction = "the turning of the eye to the left."
Did you know that there are such societies as 'P.L.O.W.', which stands for Petunia Lovers of the World, and 'D.D.S.", Diving Dentists Society.
"Trollenberg Terror" (movie): "One-eyed aliens with octopus-like arms try to take over a small town in Switzerland." Other options? "A renegade trolley operator chooses random victims to run down in the streets of San Fransisco." "look out Trollenberg - Baby Hans has hit the terrible two's and his side splitting antics will have you howling for more." "The story of Hitler's mistress, whose botched plastic surgery leads to a retaliatory strike on the office where surgery was performed."
Ushabti (a word): we would like it to mean "a casserole consisting of deep fried sushi nuggets and steamed broccoli, and long wheat noodles." "a term used by superior indians for 'canoe'." "a mongolian favorite made from lamb flanks seasoned with field grass and butterfly wings, sauteed in llama spit."
"The Crime of Dr. Hallet" (movie): first filmed in 1938, this picture is about a jungle doctor who fakes his own disappearance by taking over a dead helper's identity. Our plot lines . . . "in this medical "who done it", Ben Thompson wakes from his amnesia to find a bomb installed instead of a pacemaker." "The good Dr. is called upon to extract chankings from a toddler's nasal passages, but neglects his duty to nictitate at the pretty nurse." "a crazed physician who goes on a mass murdering spree on his wealthy, unappreciative patients."
Nuzzling = "the sound commonly emitted by Camel."
There you have it.
7.11.2007
a working girl
Some say there's a women's work and men's work. Either way, it's work. So what if there's stuff that most people of one gender lean towards doing one type of work, and the other gender a different work. We like what we like, and some of that is what God has designed for us to do!
In all honesty, the ''women's work'' you think of when that term is mentioned (housework, cooking, cleaning, decorating, caring for youngins, etc) is what I most sincerely want to do in life. But that will come in time, if the good Lord is willing.
Anyways, all that to say . . . I'm working. I've got a job, and I'm working!!! It's not what you'd automatically call ''women's work,'' but most of the people I work with are women. It's quiet work, filing, filling out forms, medical records, calling people . . . sorting mail, doing odd jobs. But I'm really excited. It appears that I may have my own desk soon at the office, which means I can put up a few pictures of the people who mean most!
It's great to be working. I feel structured again, purposeful. Life has MEANING! Just kidding. :) It had tons of meaning before I ever got a job. Jesus is still my meaning, no matter what kind of job I am working. I wanna figure out how to make Jesus the center meaning of all things in my life. You know the song "Chicago"? It says "all things go, all things go, to Chicago." Somehow I just thought of that. Not that all things go to Jesus, but all things come from Him. The center. Yeah. That's what I want.
Got another sweet taste of community last night with the girls, Aleen, Tonya, Bethany, and Shannon. It was like YWAM small group all over again. It felt so good to be vulnerable again, I know by now that the freedom on the other side is sweet enough to go through any heartache. And so, I do feel a little freer today.
Aleen is taking me out to shop for scrubs tonight. yay! I look good posing as a nurse . . .
In all honesty, the ''women's work'' you think of when that term is mentioned (housework, cooking, cleaning, decorating, caring for youngins, etc) is what I most sincerely want to do in life. But that will come in time, if the good Lord is willing.
Anyways, all that to say . . . I'm working. I've got a job, and I'm working!!! It's not what you'd automatically call ''women's work,'' but most of the people I work with are women. It's quiet work, filing, filling out forms, medical records, calling people . . . sorting mail, doing odd jobs. But I'm really excited. It appears that I may have my own desk soon at the office, which means I can put up a few pictures of the people who mean most!
It's great to be working. I feel structured again, purposeful. Life has MEANING! Just kidding. :) It had tons of meaning before I ever got a job. Jesus is still my meaning, no matter what kind of job I am working. I wanna figure out how to make Jesus the center meaning of all things in my life. You know the song "Chicago"? It says "all things go, all things go, to Chicago." Somehow I just thought of that. Not that all things go to Jesus, but all things come from Him. The center. Yeah. That's what I want.
Got another sweet taste of community last night with the girls, Aleen, Tonya, Bethany, and Shannon. It was like YWAM small group all over again. It felt so good to be vulnerable again, I know by now that the freedom on the other side is sweet enough to go through any heartache. And so, I do feel a little freer today.
Aleen is taking me out to shop for scrubs tonight. yay! I look good posing as a nurse . . .
7.09.2007
Rubiks Cubes
My mind is in this intense fog but still I am attempting to solve this Rubiks cube. To no avail, as you may have guessed. I can get the green side (with the help of the directions) but then when I try to work on the other sides I always mess it up. It's not as easy as it looks. :)
The baby dedication was great, and we're back in Ohio. Aleen and Caleb are here with us, which is nice. Tomorrow I start my new job, I'm pretty excited, and then we are having a girls night!
. . . later . . .
I'm a little more awake! yippee! had dinner, ran, showered, etcetera. and now, the mental preparation for work tomorrow, day 1. I'm really excited to be having a job again, to have a schedule to my days. Here I was thinking it would end all my scheduling problems to have a 10:30-2:30 schedule, but then madre and I start talking about having my cousin Leah over for a weekend and things get crazy. I love my schedule for evening and weekends, but for lunches and day trips it's no good. oh well, you can't have it both ways I guess
I came across this quote in a wine ad at the hotel saturday night (why do I read wine ads? don't ask.) and it got me thinking: "can you harvest a way of life?" that's what the quote said, with regard to wine/grapes. But now I'm wondering if,
by sowing the seeds of what I like
can I harvest indeed, a way of life?
I'm not sure. But if true, it lends itself to intentionality in these days, a theme that I come across from time to time with much regularity. Re-occurrence of this theme probably means that it is quite important, but seeing as how it's not my way of life yet it means I still haven't got it.
Well, I'm in for a nice night watching "Driving Miss Daisy," a 1990 film with Morgan Freeman and Dan Ackroyd that my parents love. I'll go to bed early, I hope, because . . .
i have to work tomorrow!!!
The baby dedication was great, and we're back in Ohio. Aleen and Caleb are here with us, which is nice. Tomorrow I start my new job, I'm pretty excited, and then we are having a girls night!
. . . later . . .
I'm a little more awake! yippee! had dinner, ran, showered, etcetera. and now, the mental preparation for work tomorrow, day 1. I'm really excited to be having a job again, to have a schedule to my days. Here I was thinking it would end all my scheduling problems to have a 10:30-2:30 schedule, but then madre and I start talking about having my cousin Leah over for a weekend and things get crazy. I love my schedule for evening and weekends, but for lunches and day trips it's no good. oh well, you can't have it both ways I guess
I came across this quote in a wine ad at the hotel saturday night (why do I read wine ads? don't ask.) and it got me thinking: "can you harvest a way of life?" that's what the quote said, with regard to wine/grapes. But now I'm wondering if,
by sowing the seeds of what I like
can I harvest indeed, a way of life?
I'm not sure. But if true, it lends itself to intentionality in these days, a theme that I come across from time to time with much regularity. Re-occurrence of this theme probably means that it is quite important, but seeing as how it's not my way of life yet it means I still haven't got it.
Well, I'm in for a nice night watching "Driving Miss Daisy," a 1990 film with Morgan Freeman and Dan Ackroyd that my parents love. I'll go to bed early, I hope, because . . .
i have to work tomorrow!!!
7.06.2007
Popcorn with the Pops with the Kitchens
Just got back from a fantastic evening with my friends Eric and Sara Kitchen, with their girls Anna and Alea (sp?). I like them. They asked me all sorts of fun questions about my philosophy of dating. Makes me think. . .
Going to MD for Caleb's dedication this weekend, and I got a job! I start Tuesday at a Pediatric office here in Picktown. I get to do medical records. Should be sa-weet.
Um, doing well this fine day, it was a really good day. I bought scrubs for my job. Had lunch with my padre, and bought shoes for my job too. Then I cleaned, and went over to Eric and Sara's. Now I'm watching "King of Comedy", this old movie with Robert DeNiro and Jerry Lewis. I currently think that it's lame. :) still I watch. . .
Well I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Because mine is going to ROCK!!!!!
Going to MD for Caleb's dedication this weekend, and I got a job! I start Tuesday at a Pediatric office here in Picktown. I get to do medical records. Should be sa-weet.
Um, doing well this fine day, it was a really good day. I bought scrubs for my job. Had lunch with my padre, and bought shoes for my job too. Then I cleaned, and went over to Eric and Sara's. Now I'm watching "King of Comedy", this old movie with Robert DeNiro and Jerry Lewis. I currently think that it's lame. :) still I watch. . .
Well I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Because mine is going to ROCK!!!!!
7.05.2007
Psalm 31, Message
I run to you, God; I run for dear life.
Don’t let me down! Take me seriously this time!
Get down on my level and listen, and please -- no procrastination!
Your granite cave a hiding place, your high cliff aerie a place of safety.
You’re my cave to hide in, my cliff to climb.
Be my safe leader, be my true mountain guide.
Free me from hidden traps; I want to hide in you.
I’ve put my life in your hands.
You won’t drop me, you’ll never let me down.
I hate all this silly religion, but you, God, I trust.
I’m leaping and singing in the circle of your love;
you saw my pain, you disarmed my tormentors,
you didn’t leave me in their clutches but gave me room to breathe.
Be kind to me, God -- I’m in deep, deep trouble again.
I’ve cried my eyes out; I feel hollow inside.
My life leaks away, groan by groan; my years fade out in sighs.
My troubles have worn me out, turned my bones to powder.
To my enemies I’m a monster; I’m ridiculed by the neighbors.
My friends are horrified; they cross the street to avoid me.
They want to blot me from memory, forget me like a corpse in a grave,
discard me like a broken dish in the trash.
The street-talk gossip has me “criminally insane”!
Behind locked doors they plot how to ruin me for good.
Desperate, I throw myself on you: you are my God!
Hour by hour I place my days in your hand, safe from the hands out to get me.
Warm me, your servant, with a smile; save me because you love me.
Don’t embarrass me by not showing up; I’ve given you plenty of notice.
Embarrass the wicked, stand them up,
leave them stupidly shaking their heads as they drift down to hell.
Gag those loudmouthed liars who heckle me, your follower, with jeers and catcalls.
What a stack of blessing you have piled up for those who worship you,
ready and waiting for all who run to you to escape an unkind world.
You hide them safely away from the opposition.
As you slam the door on those oily, mocking faces, you silence the poisonous gossip
Blessed God! His love is the wonder of the world.
Trapped by a siege, I panicked.
“Out of sight, out of mind,” I said.
But you heard me say it, you heard and listened.
Love God, all you saints; God takes care of all who stay close to him,
but he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone.
Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.
Expect God to get here soon.
Good morning, one month later. I have been longing to write but haven’t felt reason to do so, haven’t felt there was anything that I had to say. But that’s ok, if I never again have something to say; that’s ok. Because God has things to say, and I can just be quiet.
Well, I won’t lie. It’s hard being home, not because home is a hard place but because I’m at a hard place. It’d probably be hard to be anywhere right now, and I just have to accept that. I think the hardest part is feeling alone: DTS provides this iron-strong community that is difficult to leave once you’ve been in it. Please understand, I don’t wish to be back in DTS, or in
There are lots of things I’m working on doing, like getting a job for starters. But for the kingdom. Unfortunately, things seem to be happening very slowly. I say that I am here for the foreseeable future, and that is true. A part of me thinks and hopes it won’t be too long.
With those random things said, I had it on my heart to post this Psalm this morning. As I struggle through loneliness and frustration and faith, the Psalms are becoming more dear to me because they say the things I want to say but don’t know how, they put words in my mouth for me when my mouth won’t even open. This is a Psalm I read this morning, and the Holy Spirit (our comforter) used it to comfort my soul. I’m a little more at peace than I was waking up, a little more joyful, but still relatively quiet. That’s something that usually doesn’t last long so we’ll see what God is up to in it.
The day is still young, and God is at work in it. I wonder what He is doing today . . .
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