:: from Chesterton ::

[Children] always say, "Do it again"; and the the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that he has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy, 60

:: old times ::

"I've been so tired, but my heart's been on fire.
Too lazy to stoke it or put it out,
just watched me burn."

February 20, 2009

:: identity ::

a fusion, perfect blending ... a mixing
I'm waiting for integration
hoping to find my walls breaking down;
to arrive ...

but I am lost. who do I kid?
I am working so hard to prove myself to you:
when you are not asking me for proof.

I walk into a BMV to get a license ... then stand
fumbling for a license in my purse to identify myself
but that's why I'm here in the first place
I need identification
and cannot prove myself to you ...
You must prove me to me ... then to the world
for I do not know who I am.

(July 15th, 2008)

:: Poem ::

If the window to your soul is really open, deep and wide,
then you won't mind Me looking in, you'll let Me seek and find
You'll let me probe around a while,
You'll give me room to breath;
You'll let me settle in somewhere
you'll let me come and live

I only take what you will give.
I only come when you're open;
I only destroy so that I can rebuild.
I can only fix what is broken.





copyright 2009 Kara Tindor

:: go ahead, get lost. ::

Imagine with me, for just a moment, that the human being was capable of being successfully self-sufficient on this earth (we have to imagine it, because it really is impossible. If you don't believe me...then you're not going to get anything out of this).

Ok. Get this picture in your mind of people who can "do it" themselves. They can find happiness in the pursuit fame, fortune, and money. They can, on their own, have a stable life and love people deeply. They can work hard, be kind, be "good" (quotes there because, as Jesus says, "who is good but God?") people, raise children to be productive members of society, etc., and add to that list whatever you deem necessary to say that a person has had a successful life. The clincher to this is that you must imagine that people can do this on their own, apart from life with God; they don't need drugs, they don't need others, they don't need alcohol, they certainly don't need a god, religion, rules, or even society to keep them straight. They are completely self-made.

Got it? Good. Imagine that person dying, never having had communion with God on this earth, never having "needed" God because he/she was self-sufficient, and now facing the God of the universe to give an account for their life. What will they have to say? Will their earthly self-sufficiency warrant any reward in the kingdom? Will they really have gained anything? If they did not "need," then they never would have believed in a need for salvation, and subsequently, they never would have believed in Christ. So at this point, our imaginary friend is coming to realize that, for all their self-sufficiency, salvation is one thing they couldn't provide for themselves, and now it's too late.

Ok. You can exit your hypothetical, imaginary situation. I think this is part of Jesus' point when He challenges us with: "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" (Matthew 16.26) Because in the end, that man has gained nothing. What he thought was of value is actually of no value in the truest reality, the kingdom of God. "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 16.24-25) The principle here is that those who preoccupy themselves with 'saving' their lives (providing for themselves, accumulating for themselves, establishing themselves, etc.) are actually throwing their true lives to the wind, but that the smart people are the people who get lost.

Very counter-intuitive. I, the prideful, self-sufficient-wanna-be that I am, HATE to be lost. It gives rise to this feeling of inner, urgent panic and it must be satiated with being "found" as quickly as possible. If it's that bad in the geographical sense of being lost, how much more strange does it sound when Jesus tells us that we must lose our lives before Him, in the spiritual sense? That we have to stop trying to "make it" on our own, apart from Him. That we must stop striving, and trust Him. That we must have the most simple faith ... faith like a child.

You see, in all of our supposed self-sufficiency, and with all of the value that our society places on being self-made and stable, and thinking of all of the praise we give to those who are able to "accomplish" this in their lives: we're doing ourselves no favor by believing this lie. We're doing the world a disservice by celebrating the "whitewashed tombstones" of people (or ourselves) who seem to have it all together in life.

NOT POSSIBLE. You can't have it all together in life. No one does. No one ever has, except Jesus. So stop trying. Go ahead, get lost.

:: exactly ::

How many credit hours does it take to graduate from Ohio State with a Bachelor's degree?

191.

In all of my college career I've taken these random classes; fencing, choir, design...in my mind it was just for fun. I enjoyed them all to a certain extent, although fencing got really dull.

I found out yesterday, through a series of events far above my control (of which I will post in the future) that none of those credits were wasted. I needed every single one, so that at the end of December I will be done with coursework at OSU and be able to do some experiential stuff abroad, apart from the university.

If I hadn't taken fencing.....this couldn't be happening.
If I hadn't taken choir for 4 quarters, this couldn't be happening.
If I hadn't listened to that still small voice and took Design 797...the most random class ever which also set me up for the craziest job ever.....none of this could be happening.

What I hear Him saying is: it's not wasted. Every one of those classes was in His hand to bring me to today, where I can tell you that He is working visibly now, and I am stunned. Indeed He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Don't sweat the small stuff -- who knows what bigger story it's a part of?

::believe::

"...the hand of the Lord is not so short that it cannot save,"

(Isaiah 59.1)

nor the heart of the Lord so deeply dark that His substance He would change.

::one day::

Un día de Abril, mientras de andaba en campus, las flores (tulipanes, mis favoritas) estaban floreciendo. Es normal, claro, que flores florezcan en la primavera, pero este día lo fue extraño, raro, y increíble. ¿Porqué? Por que mientras de ellas florecían, hacía nieve. Sí lo digo, nevaba y ellas florecían. Cómo, yo quiero saber, ¿pueden ser estas cosas?

Aqui estoy en Ohio, que sí, tiene lo más raro de tiempo en los estados que conozco, pero todavía es super-extraño a ver nieve y flores a la misma vez. Super-raro, super-extraño...y en una mano, no lo me gusta.

Pero en el otro lado, puedo gozar de la nieve y de las flores. Puedo esperar para la salida del frío y anticipar las colores que traerá el sol cuando lo venga. Ayer, hoy día, y mañana están días de especiales oportunidades: no es todos los días que uno se pueda ver una yuxtaposición tan clara.

Yo subo las escaleras del sótano (dónde tengo clase por las mañanas) y veo a la nieve. Voy afuera, ando atrás campus, y veo flores. Mi nariz está muy fría. Quiero que la nieve vaya y nunca vuelva. Pero sonrío: todo está calma, todo lleno de paz, mi ánimo feliz de ser bastante tranquila. No importa la nieve, ella saldrá. Y las flores, vendrán, y saldrán también. Qué importa es más profunda que flores y tiempo. Es el día. En todo que la futura tenga, mal o bueno, loco o calmo, que importa lo mas es como vivía durante mis días en la tierra.

¿Cómo voy a vivir en la nieve, rodeado por flores?

::happiness is...::

Happiness is the end of the quarter.
It's wrapping up projects,
Evaluating professors,
and leaving classrooms for (hopefully) the last time.

Happiness is saying goodbye to group members.
Not because we didn't like each other,
but because the memory of the other
brings memories of the stress of the project,
and it's just nice to be done.

Happiness is cold weather that you won't have to walk through much longer.
Happiness is waking up without the stress of being on time to a class.
Happiness is just not having to think about homework.

Happiness....

is short lived.
I aim to enjoy it.

::return to morbidity::

I'm re-reading through some old journal entries this morning. They are simultaneously encouraging and destructive: destructive in that they challenge my current mode of thought and are pulling up some hideous weeds from my soul, weeds that I was trying to call flowers. Do you ever do this? I do...I have weeds and I try to convince myself that they are flowers so that I won't have to call the Landscaper to come in and clean me up. Silly me, they're obviously thorny and full of thistles, and they are choking the good flowers. Anyways, that's not the thought for the morning.

Before DTS I got stuck on this "morbid" idea, but a very biblical one, and that is that we are both living (in Christ) and dying (to ourselves) every day. In the last months of 2006 I wrote numerous poems declaring that for me, going to DTS was a form of dying because my life here in Ohio would be dead and I would be re-born in California. Obviously, Christ calls us to come and die day by day to sin, to our flesh, and to the world, and to be alive to Christ. But this theme of death hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for a long time.

In my journal from 2007 post-DTS, I'm reading from the entries corresponding to my silent retreat of that year. Some lines that are striking to me:

"if I am not willing to die, I cannot live. And if I cannot live, I must die."

"But for now, I am young. I am growing always upward first, and must learn responsibility over lenght of days. For how you spend your days is, of course, how you spend your life."

"My experiences must be tested and prove to remain true through death before they can be used to give life. I cannot give what I do not have."

The fact of the matter is: we are called to die. This world is NOT our home, far be it from us to live as though it is all we are expecting to receive from the Lord. There is too much at stake for me to be wrapped and wound so tightly into what is happening around me, as far as I can see. I'm kind of short...God can see way farther than I can.

May I submit my sight always to the See-er...and may we be part of His people described in Revelation 14.1-5:

"Then I looked, and behold, the Lamb was standing on Mount zion, and with Him one hundred and forty-four thousand, having His name and the name of His Father written on their foreheads. And I heard a voice from heaven, like the sound of many waters and like the sound of loud thunder, and the voice which I heard was like the sound of harpists playing on their harps. And they sang a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and the elders; and no one could learn the song except the one hundred and forty-four thousand who had been purchased from the earth. These are the ones who have not been defiled with women, for they have kept themselves chaste. These are the ones who follow the Lamb wherever He goes. These have been purchased from among men as first fruits to God and to the lamb. And no lie was found in their mouth; they are blameless."

::psalm 116::

Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed when I said, "I am greatly afflicted" ... O Lord, surely I am Your servant, I am Your servant, the son of Your handmaid, You have loosed my bonds.
(Psalm 116.7-10, 16)

Rescue. What a beautiful concept, that of being rescued. The thing about rescue though, is that before you can be rescued, you have to need to be rescued. That is to say, you have to be in a position where rescue is your only option left. You have to already be in a position of neediness, affliction, captivity, suffering, etc. before rescue will make a difference.

For the psalmist, his soul was in death, his eyes were shedding ears, and his feet had already stumbled. It was there, in the dark place of affliction (and, possibly, the dark place of disobedience) that the Lord rescued him. But it's not that he never experienced the pain and sorrow of needing to be rescued, on the contrary; he could now appreciate more fully the rescue plan of the Lord because he actually needed to be rescued.

I avoid needing to be rescued. I don't like that feeling of utter helplessness, of knowing that unless God comes through in a big way I will be completely disheveled. But what if it's there that God's rescue is most glorious, what if I need to be in a position of needing rescue before I can experience and really appreciate the rescue?

::psalm 111::

"Praise the Lord! I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart, in the company of the upright and in the assembly. Great are the works of the Lord; they are studied by all who delight in them. Splendid and majestic is His work, and His righteousness endures forever. He has made His wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate.

He has given food to those who fear Him; He will remember His covenant forever.

He has made known to His people the power of his works, in giving them the heritage of the nations. The works of his hands are truth and justice; all His precepts are sure. They are upheld forever and ever; they are performed in truth and uprightness. He has sent redemption to His people; He has ordained His covenant forever; Holy and awesome is His name. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments; His praise endures forever."

I read this Psalm last week, after having read a middle section of scripture from John chapter 6. In verses 48-58 Jesus repeatedly refers to Himself either as food or drink, and I was struck when I read this Psalm that it is a type of prophecy about Christ. Read these words from John:

"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your fathers at the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread which comes down out of heaven so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down out of heaven; if anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread also which I will give for the life of the world is My flesh." (John 6.47-51)

When I read Psalm 111 a few days later, immediately my mind connected these two passages of scripture. Obviously, the Psalmist was talking about how the Lord provided the physical food for those who fear Him; that God literally was their provider of food to eat. Which is still true, in every sense, because everything we have comes from Him and that includes food. But what I was thinking, is that in a much deeper sense of the word, God provided food for us (for all generations) in Jesus: the spiritual food that we crave and that which alone will satisfy us. So, the psalmist, thousands of years before Christ, refers to this active generosity of the Lord to provide food for those who believe in Him, and now we see that the true food that God gives is in fact our good Savior, Jesus.

It amazed me this week to consider the original intent and time period of the psalmist, and then to see how Christ spoke of Himself and in doing so, fulfilled that verse. Cool stuff!

More to come from the Psalms, they are rocking my world.

::the quarter::

Here we are! It is Wednesday, February 4th, 2009. I am in the middle of the middle week of classes...my madre figured it out last week and I am 1/8th of the way finished with the rest of my college career. That's pretty exciting stuff! Also new this week, I learned that I am indeed in my last GEC (general education curriculum) course this quarter, and that after Winter Quarter is over, I will have 35 hours left to fill (which will be easy to fill with my major classes). And next week I get to schedule for Spring Quarter!

In general, I am very much enjoying this quarter. It is keeping me SO busy, there is a ton of reading for both my Linguistics and Spanish 560 class. When my friends call me and ask what I'm doing, I usually have them guess, and they normally get it right: "I'm reading."

But it's good for me to have to sort through (in my brain and heart) what is most important, and to devote first attention to those things before doing other things. I won't say that I'm really good at it, but it's a good challenge.

The Lord is really challenging me a lot to trust Him. It's been a really cool work that I can see notably, in that He is giving me direct opportunities to let go of my plans, fears, pre-conceived notions, and the ideals that I held that were not biblical; to let these all go and instead trust Him to lead me. I don't understand His ways, and this is something that is new because normally I can rationalize my way through to understanding at least a little of why He is doing what He is doing. But not this time. I just don't get Him! But, I love Him. And this journey is really fun....oddly enough I am coming to enjoy the occasional chaos.

You know those times when you are walking through something tough, but as much as you don't like the uncomfortable-ness, you really grow to cherish the work of the Lord in your heart? That's where I'm at. It's good. Not easy, but so good.

These are my random thoughts for the day. I hope all is well in your hearts and souls.

~k

::fear::

fear is debilitating
hold on, it's worth saying
i am strongly bound by all these things i fear

You say risks worth taking
are part of the kingdom's making
and though i fear, it should not be

how do i let go?
how do i give up?
are there words to say to make this better?
how do i look up
and let myself trust
how can pain be good at all?

responsibility brings
a certain level threat
that i've come to really dread
there's constant trembling

what if i try and fail?
what if i am no good?
it's these lies and more
that interrupt

how do i let go?
how do i give up?
are there words to say to make this better?
how do i look up
and let myself trust
how can pain be good at all?

--kara tindor 1.10.2009--