like old times.

i was sitting in the big room, with marjorie!, aleen!, josiah!, and jonathan!, when micah! runs in and attacks jonathan. they do the rough and tumble stuff like they used to, like they haven't for at least a year and a half. it's like old times.

i love it. all my brothers are home, and my sisters are all together again. time for new bondings, old memories, lots of laughs, conversation, and good food. one thing i realize? we're really, REALLY, loud. and. . . it's absolutely incredible. i'm grateful for family, and friendships within family, and time to spend together. thanks Jesus!

we haven't all been together for over a year, and won't all be together for at least another 5 months, and this is the last time without baby Tindor being present (outside of the womb). in a lot of ways, this is a special weekend. happiness overtakes me!

i hope your weekends are as fabulous as mine is sure to be.

blessings.

kara

The Theology of Glory

This is part of an interview i encountered online at www.boundless.org in this week's postings. if you haven't yet explored boundless i would encourage you to do so. it's just a pretty helpful resource on some interesting topics. i don't endorse everything they teach, but backed by Focus on the Family, it is fairly-reliable biblically. we should still test everything and only hold onto that which is good. i always need reminded of that.

anyways, this was cool for me to read. i enjoyed it, and hope that you do too!

for the official article online, click here. or, just read on. : )

A Theology of Grandeur

Charlie Jarvis: The theology of the United States and Evangelicalism is increasingly personalistic, familiaristic, friendship oriented, and what's missing is the Grandeur of the Lord. When you're missing the Grandeur of the Lord, what you ultimately look for are human relationships to give you the kinds of stability that you should only find in your identity with the Lord.

A "theology of grandeur" is built on the idea of "kabod," which is the Hebrew concept of "the crushing, heaviness of God and His Character." He is other than we are, and whenever someone comes into communication with Him directly, they fall on their knees.

In the theology of America, people are not falling on their knees; they're calling Jesus "my best friend" or they're finding Him to be a solution to some mundane problem, rather than having this overwhelming sense that Isaiah had when he was before the Lord of Hosts, when even God's identity as the "Lord of Hosts" was crushing in its weightiness. That's why every time someone impinges upon a Christophany [an appearance of the Messiah in the Old Testament], prior to Jesus coming as a child in Bethlehem, they are driven to their knees, and what's revealed is the Glory of the Lord.

What's fascinating is when Jesus is born in Bethlehem, the shepherds come running to tell the story of what had happened, and the Scriptures says that the Glory of the Lord shown around about them, and they were "sore afraid." They were so afraid they were sore is the way I like to think of it. In other words, they were deeply overwhelmed.

If you don't have a theology of grandeur, what you're going to be looking for in life are practical hints and techniques. You're going to look for what is typical of America, which is a theology of technology in which techniques bring happiness and order to your life. I'm not saying that technology and techniques in life aren't important. I'm just saying what people do is they replace the theology of glory with the theology of techniques and technology. That is, you have three steps to get a person to Christ, you have five steps to become a happy person, or you have 10 steps to get rid of whatever is plaguing you emotionally.

Boundless: What is the Church doing specifically to enable this loss of Grandeur?

Charlie Jarvis: Well, it's interesting. Because you look at the United States and the influence of the Church here today, and then you contrast that with the influence of the Church 225 years ago when it was at the core of society. It was defining outward from itself the reality of what life is, what's good and what's evil, what's acceptable and what's unacceptable, all of that. And in the last two centuries, what you have is the Church becoming more and more retreatist, in the face of scientism in the 19th century, of evolutionism in the 19th century and in this century technologyism. What you see are people basically becoming overwhelmed with a sense of what's around them and where things are going.

Simultaneous with that, you have a theology of escapism. The early Church prayed "Maranatha, come Lord Jesus" when they were nobodies. They prayed Maranatha and they took over the world within a few centuries. Since the 19th century, the Church in American prays Maranatha but then gives up every single area of authority in life.

Now that's not a blessing, that's a curse. What that is, literally, is ichabod. In the Scriptures, you will remember, that when the Lord leaves the temple, it says He pronounces ichabod. The word "kabod" is "glory;" "ichabod" means "the glory is departed." The glory has left. And what we've seen in this country is a gradual leaving of the glory from the Church. Now what are left are well-tested techniques and technologies of relationships and evangelism and that sort of thing. But what's missing is the core of purpose, which is the theology of the grandeur of God.

Boundless: Isn't it true, too, that the techniques are transient. People can treat them like New Year's resolutions, where they say, well, those techniques didn't work for me. I'll try something else.

Charlie Jarvis: And they go from book to book to book. There's never been a point in American history when there have been so many Christian books, magazines, albums, seminars, conferences, and even Christian churches for goodness sake, and yet never has the Church been less influential in the deepest and most profound sense of the word.

A Theology of Purpose

The second area of theology that's missing in America is what I would call a theology of purpose. What's our purpose? That's the question everyone should be asking. But if you have a very small view of the grandeur of God, you're going to end up with a theology of purpose that's driven by techniques; a Christian technology, or technique-orientated philosophy. If you're missing the core of the purpose of everything, which is that the kabod of God dwells in the midst of His people and reveals His Glory, you don't realize that in Him you have life.

Corinthians says that, "The god of this world has blinded the eyes of the unbelieving." What has he blinded them to? What's his purpose? "So that they might not see the light of the Gospel of the Glory of Christ." To this Paul adds, "Christ, Who is our life, when He appears, we shall appear with Him as well." Together, God is saying, "Look, I want to reveal my Glory through you." That's the theology of purpose.

So you start to realize it's not enough to look for three steps to that and five phases to that and six insights to that. "The purpose is to know God," Paul says, "and the power of His Resurrection." The Greek word for power here is dunatos and dunamous — the root word from which we get dynamite. What I read here is that when His resurrection authority is communicated to us through His glory, it means we're going to be exploded. All of our preconceptions will be exploded.

Why is it when Isaiah meets the Lord face-to-face in the temple, he says, "I'm undone"? I mean we're worshipping in church, and we say, "Wow, isn't He something?" Isaiah sees the glory of the Lord, and he says, "I am undone! I'm overwhelmed. I am falling apart at the seams, because I've seen the Lord of Hosts." Worshipping the Lord should lead to that kind of understanding. To cause us to say, "I am in awe of Him."

A Theology of Legacy

So if you're missing a theology of glory, and you're missing a theology of purpose, you're going to miss a theology of legacy, which is, "Why am I here for goodness sake?" I'm not here just for me. I'm here because He wants me to create a legacy where the glory dwells in the midst of His people.

So if you don't have a theology of grandeur of God, you're going to miss the purpose of God, which is that Grandeur is supposed to be worked out in us. There's something to be so special about us that people look at it, and they go "Oh, whoa; this is very, very different from anything I see all around me everyday. This is unique." They are so peaceful. As they are burned on those stakes they die with an outstanding dignity. And so you have centurions who witnessed these deaths who are driven towards the mercy of Christ.

Who is it, then, that starts the hospitals? Who is it that takes the kids who've been abandoned under the bridges? It's the Church. Who is it that takes the sick and the dying? It's the Church. Who is it that ministers to the poor? Not just ministers in some vague way, but actually begins to inform them about their lofty purpose in their identity with glory, Who is Christ, right?

The whole passage of the shepherds was about glory. God had pronounced ichabod — His glory was gone. But at Christ's birth, glory was back. He was back in the world. He was blessing us with His presence. Kabod was here among us. Who is He? He's Emmanuel. God with us. What does that mean? The glory is with us again.

The Hound of Heaven -- Francis Thompson

I fled Him down the nights and down the days
I fled Him down the arches of the years
I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears
I hid from him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped and shot precipitated
Adown titanic glooms of chasme d hears
From those strong feet that followed, followed after
But with unhurrying chase and unperturbe d pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat, and a Voice beat,
More instant than the feet:
All things betray thee who betrayest me.

I pleaded, outlaw--wise by many a hearted casement,
curtained red, trellised with inter-twining charities,
For though I knew His love who followe d,
Yet was I sore adread, lest having Him,
I should have nought beside.
But if one little casement parted wide,
The gust of his approach would clash it to.
Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.
Across the margent of the world I fled,
And troubled the gold gateways of the stars,
Smiting for shelter on their clange d bars,
Fretted to dulcet jars and silvern chatter
The pale ports of the moon.

I said to Dawn --- be sudden, to Eve --- be soon,
With thy young skiey blossoms heap me over
From this tremendous Lover.
Float thy vague veil about me lest He see.
I tempted all His servitors but to find
My own betrayal in their constancy,
In faith to Him, their fickleness to me,
Their traitorous trueness and their loyal deceit.
To all swift things for swiftness did I sue,
Clung to the whistling mane of every wind,
But whether they swept, smoothly fleet,
The long savannahs of the blue,
Or whether, thunder-driven,
They clanged His chariot thwart a heaven,
Plashy with flying lightnings round the spurn of their feet,
Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.
Still with unhurrying chase and unperturbed pace
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
Came on the following feet, and a Voice above their beat:
Nought shelters thee who wilt not shelter Me.

I sought no more that after which I strayed
In face of Man or Maid.
But still within the little childrens' eyes
Seems something, something that replies,
They at least are for me, surely for me.
But just as their young eyes grew sudden fair,
With dawning answers there,
Their angel plucked them from me by the hair.
Come then, ye other children, Nature's
Share with me, said I, your delicate fellowship.
Let me greet you lip to lip,
Let me twine with you caresses,
Wantoning with our Lady Mother's vagrant tresses,
Banqueting with her in her wind walled palace,
Underneath her azured dai:s,
Quaffing, as your taintless way is,
From a chalice, lucent weeping out of the dayspring.

So it was done.
I in their delicate fellowship was one.
Drew the bolt of Nature's secrecies,
I knew all the swift importings on the wilful face of skies,
I knew how the clouds arise,
Spume d of the wild sea-snortings.
All that's born or dies,
Rose and drooped with,
Made them shapers of mine own moods, or wailful, or Divine.
With them joyed and was bereaven.
I was heavy with the Even,
when she lit her glimmering tapers round the day's dead sanctities.
I laughed in the morning's eyes.
I triumphed and I saddened with all weather,
Heaven and I wept together,
and its sweet tears were salt with mortal mine.
Against the red throb of its sunset heart,
I laid my own to beat
And share commingling heat.

But not by that, by that was eased my human smart.
In vain my tears were wet on Heaven's grey cheek.
For ah! we know what each other says,
these things and I; In sound I speak,
Their sound is but their stir, they speak by silences.
Nature, poor step-dame, cannot slake my drouth.
Let her, if she would owe me
Drop yon blue-bosomed veil of sky
And show me the breasts o' her tenderness.
Never did any milk of hers once bless my thirsting mouth.
Nigh and nigh draws the chase, with unperturbe d pace
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
And past those noise d feet, a Voice comes yet more fleet:
Lo, nought contentst thee who content'st nought Me.

Naked, I wait thy Love's uplifted stroke. My harness, piece by piece,
thou'st hewn from me
And smitten me to my knee,
I am defenceless, utterly.
I slept methinks, and awoke.
And slowly gazing, find me stripped in sleep.
In the rash lustihead of my young powers,
I shook the pillaring hours,
and pulled my life upon me.
Grimed with smears,
I stand amidst the dust o' the mounded years--
My mangled youth lies dead beneath the heap.
My days have crackled and gone up in smoke,
Have puffed and burst like sunstarts on a stream.
Yeah, faileth now even dream the dreamer
and the lute, the lutanist.
Even the linked fantasies in whose blossomy twist,
I swung the Earth, a trinket at my wrist,
Have yielded, cords of all too weak account,
For Earth, with heavy grief so overplussed.
Ah! is thy Love indeed a weed,
albeit an Amaranthine weed,
Suffering no flowers except its own to mount?
Ah! must, Designer Infinite,
Ah! must thou char the wood 'ere thou canst limn with it ?
My freshness spent its wavering shower i' the dust.
And now my heart is as a broken fount,
Wherein tear-drippings stagnate, spilt down ever
From the dank thoughts that shiver upon the sighful branches of my
mind.

Such is. What is to be ?
The pulp so bitter, how shall taste the rind ?
I dimly guess what Time in mists confounds,
Yet ever and anon, a trumpet sounds
From the hid battlements of Eternity.
Those shaken mists a space unsettle,
Then round the half-glimpse d turrets, slowly wash again.
But not 'ere Him who summoneth
I first have seen, enwound
With glooming robes purpureal; Cypress crowned.
His name I know, and what his trumpet saith.
Whether Man's Heart or Life it be that yield thee harvest,
Must thy harvest fields be dunged with rotten death ?

Now of that long pursuit,
Comes at hand the bruit.
That Voice is round me like a bursting Sea:
And is thy Earth so marred,
Shattered in shard on shard?
Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest me.
Strange, piteous, futile thing;
Wherefore should any set thee love apart?
Seeing none but I makes much of Naught (He said).
And human love needs human meriting ---
How hast thou merited,
Of all Man's clotted clay, the dingiest clot.
Alack! Thou knowest not
How little worthy of any love thou art.
Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save me, save only me?
All which I took from thee, I did'st but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might'st seek it in my arms.
All which thy childs mistake fancies as lost,
I have stored for thee at Home.
Rise, clasp my hand, and come.
Halts by me that Footfall.
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?
Ah, Fondest, Blindest, Weakest,
I am He whom thou seekest.
Thou dravest Love from thee who dravest Me.

-- i’m getting ready to let You be everything. --

things need to be said

another morning dawns. finally one where waking is sweet and sleeping has resulted in a state of well-restedness. and it’s a day off, too. bonus. writing calls because it’s been over a week since there was a new post. is busyness too overwhelming to leave ample time to write? maybe. is it that there is nothing to say? not really. . .. could it be that laziness is setting in? that’s probably it. who’s to say?

this morning was weird because everyone around was falling apart but it didn’t hit my door. nothing new here. except that there’s 19 days left till leaving. maybe the destruction will find me soon and result in some more falling apart.

everyone keeps asking me about my excitement level. “Kara, are you excited?” sure. then there’s this awkward silence so out come all the nervous feelings about leaving for YWAM: how i’m excited but super scared and a little anxious. then they look at me like my words are abnormal or something. it’s weird. then they encourage me, which is great because i always like encouragement, but it feels like i was forced into expressing frustration that i wasn’t passionately feeling and then receiving encouragement that i have known intimately already. so it all seems pointless.

the truth? i don’t often feel overwhelmed with fright over this. sometimes, but not often. i still don’t walk around in a state of freaking because my life changes drastically in 19 days. it’s easier for me to just not think about leaving and at this point i don’t really have to think about it. i’m excited, but not passionately. i’m scared, but not overwhelmed. perhaps:

“i am pressed but not perplexed, persecuted, not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. i am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure that His joy is going to be my strength.” it’s all rather peaceful right now.

so if you ask me if i’m excited i’ll say yes. i won’t expound, unless you keep looking at me like i need to. : ) i just don’t have that much to say! sorry.

in other news, i have this week as my last at Kroger. it'll be nice to not be working after Christmas Eve. the time off will be crazy but hopefully relaxing. it's all coming down to the wire! truthfully, i don't even know how i feel about leaving for YWAM. that's probably the reason for the awkward silences when people ask. there just aren't words yet to describe it. i'll let you know when there are.

oh, and there should be snow. like, now. i'm just saying.

things that always need to be said? God is all. the nearness of God is our good. let us press on to know Him, let us press hard into Him: surely at the coming of the Lord, He will respond. i need to be reminded of the weight of His glory, and the breadth of His immenseness. because THAT changes everything. love came down at Christmas. . .the Love of God to man. Jesus Christ is Love incarnate, and the restoration that our souls long for. let's look for God, ask to see Him, and be changed.

merry Christmas.

hello my name is mary. . .

we went to some friends’ house for lunch today after church. they’re a really rad family. 5 kids. funny and loud kids. so we know the parents really well, but the kids don’t really know us all that much. granted, upon entrance i think they knew our names. the oldest girl knew my name, and made me a birthday card. it was sweet. the oldest boy then decided to write me a note. i must provide a previous conversation for this to be in context:

me: hey Anthony, what’s his name (pointing to my brother)?

Anthony: um….Jonathan?

me: no. it’s bob.

Anthony: (looking at Jonathan, who is mouthing his own name) no….i think it’s Jonathan.

me: Anthony, he’s my brother, i’ve known him for twenty years! don’t you think i know what his name is? it’s bob!

Anthony: yeah, you should know, but it’s Jonathan.

. . .time passes. . .

Anthony: (now writing a note) what’s your name?

me: Kara.

Jonathan: it’s Mary.

Anthony: Mary? or kara?

me: kara.

jonathan: it’s Mary.

Anthony: dad, what’s her name?

Jason (dad to Anthony): it’s Kara. (receives cues from Jonathan) it’s Mary.

. . .time passes. . .we’re eating cake. . .

Jonathan: (whispers) he wrote a birthday note to Mary. (chuckles) he actually came over and asked me “how old is Mary?”

me: that’s the coolest thing i’ve heard all day!

. . .time passes. . .i receive anthony’s note. . .it reads. . .

Daer kmary

I hope you have a exaitine birthday

love-4-eva

Anthony

it was amazing. it absolutely made my day. hehe. kids are fun. well that’s my anecdote for the day! i’m off to clean my room (oh bother)!

the future is unfolding fast

Hello friends! Some of you have received letters in the past month or two explaining the next 5 months of my life. Some of you have not. For those of you who have seen the letter, please disregard this post as it should be a close facsimile to the forementioned document. For those of you who have not seen the letter, it is reproduced below in a casual format. Happy reading!

Ok. so there's this organization called Youth With a Mission, which is commonly abbreviated as YWAM (WIE-wam). This organization has as its sole purpose in the world "to know God and to make Him known." YWAM runs what they call Discipleship Training Schools (DTS): 5-6 month schools focusing on intense discipleship and radical serving. friends, i am undertaking one such school.
January 7th, 2007, i am leaving for YWAM in Chico, California. i will be on base in classes for 3 months in Chico, and then my entire DTS will go on outreach to a country overseas (as soon as i hear locations i'll post). i am going because i feel God wants me there. there are other reasons behind it, and a really really long story, but you all are incredibly patient with my posting to begin with so i won't bore you. if you want to hear all of it, let me know.
um.....so i guess to finish it out, i'll be back May 27th, 2007 (Lord willing). i hope to have a better knowledge of who God is upon my return, along with a clear understanding of how to respond to that knowledge.
i intend to continue posting while i am away, my trip is actually one of the reasons that i have created this site. i don't quite know what that will look like yet, but please bookmark this site and check back frequently for updates.
if you have any questions, please feel free to email me, call me, walk up to me, or send me telegrams. whatever your preferred form of communication, i'm in. smoke signals, telepathy, snail mail, anything. i just hope i know how to respond. . . .

i leave you for now wishing peace and revelation on your hearts and minds.

in Christ,

kara

"then the man said to me, ‘son of man, see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and give attention to all that I am going to show you; for you have been brought here in order to show it to you.’” Ezekiel 40.4

12/08/06

Hear ye, hear ye.

i. am. donewitschool. yay!

by the absolute Grace of God, i pulled off my hardest quarter with the best grades. i don’t quite know how it happened, but i’m not complaining.

so now, things seem to be rushing towards a big finish, in the words of my latin prof. big finish, Kara! ah. i was driving home from work tonight and (this happens often) realized how quickly time is moving and that i will be going alone to a new place for 5 months. CRAZY! then i scream and let out a little unknowing-frustration-feeling and try to forget about it. it’s scary. scary i tell you!

but apparently i am ‘’aces’’. i helped this customer find some things today, it just happened that he wanted items that i knew the location of. he was quite impressed with my knowledge of the store. like the back of my hand! anyways, he told Jon that ‘’that girl on the end is aces, aces.’’ and i guess he did this ‘’ok’’ sign with his hands to indicate just how ‘’aces’’ i was. it made me happy.

micah and Marjorie should be back in Denver by now. poor kids, they’ve been traveling all day. i mean all day. they left at 7am Bosnia time, which is 1am our time, and 11 pm the day before in Denver. i’m pretty sure the whole time change thing screwed them out of like 4 days or something, but i still can’t figure out how it all works. : )

here’s something funny. this week should have been another horrible one. granted, last week was stressful in the breaking of the news, but this week was dealing with it all in repercussions. nevertheless, this week was great. just great. again, i’m not complaining. i’ve decided that i want to see God. i mean, i’ve wanted to for a long time, and kind of figured that would have to be done through the Word, but i’ve decided to actually do it. i’m pretty excited. hopefully soon i’ll write something of importance, for now know that i am alive and well and happy! and leaving…..(yikies!)

peace. to you and me! let it snow!

Hosea 6.1-3

"Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will badage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth." Hosea 6.1-3

glory

here are my thoughts from the weekend. well, on one subject at least. : )

i should do NOTHING to bring glory, fame, or honor to myself. if i do something, i should do it for the glory of Christ. in Christ's name i hand out bulletins, hoping that by having part in a sunday service at NewLife it will facilitate someone's heart opening up to the truth of Christ and someday truly glorifying Christ with their love and affections. Christianity isn't A way, it is THE ONLY WAY. and i cannot glorify Christ without offering Him as He truly is. Alone.
maybe it's not that the way of Christ is better or more appealing to a non-Christian, in honesty it’s a hard road to walk, but that it alone is the imperatively important way. it is absolutely detrimental to a human to not know God. at this point i have no way of ever convincing anyone that the life is “better” than all other alternatives because the way they understand “better” is to compare pros and cons of the day to day lifestyle. this isn’t coming out right. i’ll try again. i keep trying to make Christianity appealing to people so that they will leave their empty lives to be filled by Christ. but i don’t know that i properly tell them what they are getting into. i’m not quite sure what they would be getting into, in honesty.
i want to submit that the Christian church at large is not offering Christ as He really is. and maybe that’s because the Christian church at large doesn’t know who Christ really is. let’s open up some doors of honesty and examine things in this light.

people seem to have absolutely no concept of God. or His Glory. His majesty. His beauty. His grace. His power. His wrath. who knows God?

one who knows God glorifies Him. you cannot know God and not be changed. so instead of even having a concept of an all important God who demands a response, people have a view of an all-important self who demands a response. we are our own gods. and until we ditch the view of life revolving around our glory, our satisfaction, our fame, our happiness, etc....and SHIFT it into alignment with the way of Christ's glory, Christ's fame, Christ's satisfaction....we will not be able to truly bring Glory to God.
people who think their good deeds will get them into heaven: they're wrong. we knew that. here's a thought on why: they do it for their own glory. not for the Glory of Christ. "if you offer someone a drink, do it in My name." why? because we must never let our Glory become the center of our attentions. if i hand you a drink in my name, you'll praise me for going to the cupboard, getting a cup, putting a drink in it, and handing it to you. you'll only think of MY involvement in your need being met. but here: if i give all the glory to Christ by doing it IN HIS NAME.....not just saying"in Jesus' name" but LIVING IN AND FOR HIS NAME, then you will not see my efforts but you will see Christ as the immediate and direct source of your need being met. and with one view of Him you may start to see Him in other bigger and better ways, and you may be captured like i am being captured by the all-importance of this fact:
GOD IS BIG. and He deserves absolutely everything. and He shall have it. His ways are high. His actions are just, and right. He exposes sin in the lives of His people so that they have the opportunity to repent and properly give Glory to His name.
we must repent. oh, come. let us return to the Lord. let us grieve with sincerity the depravity of our condition and let us recognize that only Christ by the Grace of God will ever save us. let us live humbly within the saving knowledge of Grace and let us seek to Glorify God by every word and every deed and every action.
this is yet another facet of death. because we indeed must die to pride, to self-motivation, to ambition. to recognition, position, and fame. we must die to everything we have ever known, and truly be AWAKENED to His Glory.

one down, 3 to go

last week was horrible., i’m not going to lie. Sunday was fine, monday and tuesday were AMAZING, wednesday was OK till about 1pm, then everything went downhill from there. and it went downhill till about saturday around 5.

that’s when it broke. i finally cried, and found peace to pray, and things got better. finishing with last night, the start of a new week, a NewLife, and a bit of a new perspective.

so today dawns finals week, of the final quarter for the year. pinned more to laziness than to concern for what’s going on, i studied perhaps a total of 40 minutes for my French final. that was this morning. i don’t even care. apathy knocks, and i welcome it in. still, one down and 3 to go. i’m pretty well pumped up.

one thing i am kind of wondering about is leaving: selfish pride says NewLife needs me, selfish fear says i need NewLife, God says “come to me”. i don’t understand why He’s sending me away at “such a time as this”. all that i know is that at this point God wants me in Chico in January, and not in Canal.

i’m not going to lie, i want to be here loving and being loved by my church family. i want to be a part of the restorative processes that are going to go on. i want to be a part of the new vision dawning and i want to see what God is going to reveal to NewLife. because it’s going to be amazing. hopeful, i wait to see how God’s light dawns on some of my very favorite people in the world. and also how it dawns on me, though i be far off.

when all else fails

do you ever just not want to be alone? tonight’s one of those nights. like, i’m not alone, my padres right there across the room watching TV with me, and i’m home, and i’ve seen people all day, and haven’t been really alone: but i’ve kind of felt alone all day.

i think with people around it’s easier not to be submersed in thinking about all of life’s crappiness. even when you’re with other people who know what the crap’s like it’s still better than being alone. you don’t even have to talk about it, just be together and know what the other people are going through.

maybe it’s a community thing, that i don’t want to have to walk through this alone, and i know everyone else feels the same way.

maybe it’s a fear thing, that if i’m left alone i’ll either go crazy or fall into the same traps over and over again.

maybe it’s God.

maybe it’s wrong.

i guess i don’t really care!

i’m such a dichotomy. i don’t feel like talking or explaining my feelings any more, but i want to be around people who know what i’m feeling.

when all is said and done, if i’m left alone for long i think i’m going to lose it. i need to be doing something, helping some way, and i need to cry.

when all else fails, i need Christ.