when all else fails

do you ever just not want to be alone? tonight’s one of those nights. like, i’m not alone, my padres right there across the room watching TV with me, and i’m home, and i’ve seen people all day, and haven’t been really alone: but i’ve kind of felt alone all day.

i think with people around it’s easier not to be submersed in thinking about all of life’s crappiness. even when you’re with other people who know what the crap’s like it’s still better than being alone. you don’t even have to talk about it, just be together and know what the other people are going through.

maybe it’s a community thing, that i don’t want to have to walk through this alone, and i know everyone else feels the same way.

maybe it’s a fear thing, that if i’m left alone i’ll either go crazy or fall into the same traps over and over again.

maybe it’s God.

maybe it’s wrong.

i guess i don’t really care!

i’m such a dichotomy. i don’t feel like talking or explaining my feelings any more, but i want to be around people who know what i’m feeling.

when all is said and done, if i’m left alone for long i think i’m going to lose it. i need to be doing something, helping some way, and i need to cry.

when all else fails, i need Christ.